The Worst Fanfiction Ever
by Carwasher
Summary: 'Face the Strange.' A terrible tale indeed, a veritable orgy of random characters smushed into the Harry Potter universe at the authoresses' whim. Forget 'My Immortal,' this is THE worst thing ever written... So obviously, I'mma read it. Rated T for sex and excessive swearing.
1. Chapter 1

**WELCOME TO**

'**THE WORST FANFICTION EVER'**

**A.K.A.**

**EVAN READS FACE THE STRANGE.**

**This. This is just… nothing will prepare you for this. Butchering of beloved characters, crossovering all over the place, and the most annoying main character ever.**

**Let's begin.**

**Bold **is my comments.

Normal is Dally's Tara-ble fic (geddit like Tara Gilesbie cuz I'm goffick.)

'_**Bold Italic in single-quotes, dog!' **_is probably some dumb little skit I do or me mocking a character in the original story.

**Bold Underline: ** If you see this format it means I'm_ really pissed_.

* * *

Dally was riding the Hogwarts Express to Hogwarts with her best friend Edwart ***snrk*** Cullen. She had just found out she was a witch and a vampire **How do you 'just' find that out? **

'_**Like, the other day, I **_**just**_** noticed I have yellow eyes and **_**fucking fangs.**_**'**_

**Oh jeez, I'm already angry. This does not bode well!**

with Edward and now they were going to school to train to be better. **Words that will inspire a nation, right there. 'Kids, go to school so you can train to be better.'**

"Edward do you miss Bella?" I asked _**  
**_

"Grr I don't want to talk about Bella" **I'm gonna start of all of my sentences like that from now on.**

'_**Grr I'm gonna go get some Pop-Tarts!'**_

'_**Grr let's go watch Doctor Who together!'**_

'_**Grr thanks for buying me dinner, Sean!'**_

Edward said

"Oh are you guys fighting?" I asked. **No, he just wants to seem single.**

"She is just being a cunt!" **Jesus! The C word already? Come the hell on, even Tara fricking Gilesbie only said that once and that was over halfway through!** he yelled "She thinks I like you… um I mean…"

"Why would she say that?" Dally asked. **Because he's got a penis**_**…**_

"Um well uh" **Dally sure captured the sound of a flustered male well.**

KNOCK KNOCK! Suddenly there was a sound at the door of the trolly **Trollies can knock?**

"I am going around with candy would you like to buy someone?" **I thought slavery was abolished? Oh those damn Scots, you never know what they're up to.** came the voice from the door.

"YES COME IN" yelled Edward, he wanted a distraction. **Shit, Dally is onto **_**all**_** of a guy's strategies!**

The door slid open and in came a boy with big spiky black hair and black clothes **My anime senses are buzzing…** and he had his arm wrapped up.

"My name is Hiei" ***Googles* 'YuYu Hakusho'? The hell is that? *reads more* Oh… kay? Figures Dally picks the most obscure and effed up anime she can find to clash with Harry Potter and Twilight. Also, Hiei is a Gary Stu.** he said, "I am selling these candies to pay for my trip to Hogwarts…" **You don't… PAY for Hogwarts! And you're already on the fucking train!** he showed them the tray and there were Burties Botts and Candy Frogs with cards on them.

Edward noticed that Dally was staring at Hiei and growled **Jeez are you sure this isn't an AU where Edward is a werewolf? He sure loves grring and growling.** "We aren't interested go away." **I need to start saying that to door-to-door salesmen, **_**'We arent' interested go away without commas.'**_

"Oh okay" Hiei said "WAIT"

"I am would like to buy some Buties Botts!" **I am would like to stop commentating already!** said Dally enthusiastically and smiling. She reached for some and touched hands with Hiei… Edwad grred. **Again with the grring!**

"Oh um well… that will be… okay well it is free for you!" **If that isn't totally blatant I don't know what is.** Hiei said he was flustered because he touched hands with Dally. He thought she was very cute. **No duh.**

"THANK YOU!" said Dally. **OH LORDEH JESUS THANK YOU SO MACH!**

Hiei left and Dally began to ate the beans.** One does not simply 'eat' Bernie Bott's. FUCK I SAID A MEME KILL ME NOW**

"So do you like that guy?" Edward asked.

"Of course, he gave me free food! He is very nice" Dally said happy. **DALLY SAY HAPPY. DALLY DO GOOD. D-DALLY DO GOOD, YES? DALLY IS GUD.**

Suddenly they arrived at Hogwarts and uncame from the train. **Holy fuck, beautiful. **_**'Hi honey, I uncame from the grocery store!'**_

They were greeted by a big wizard with a long white bear **Aww, why does Dumbledore get a bear and I don't?** and a pointy hat and he said, "Come students, follow me to the great hall and we will eat and get you sorted!" **And why is Dumbledore greeting the ickle firsties?**

Dally and Edward got into a boat and went into the Great Hall with Dumbeldore. They sat down at a table coincidentally right next to there friend from the ship **Oh my god, Dally, are you sure you're not severely mentally handicapped? Either that or she's terrible at faking troll. At least Tara **_**seemed**_** coherent for a few paragraphs at a time. ** Hiei! Dally was also sitting next to a black and red hedgehog. **Y'know, why the fuck not, right?**

"My name is Shadow" said the hedgehog. **Y'NOW, WHY THE FUCK NOT, RIGHT?! IT'S FUCKING HOGWARTS, WE ARE EQUAL OPPORTUNITY, EVEN TO VIDEO GAME CHARACTERS.**

**(I bet she only knows Shadow from the motherfucking anime.)**

Edward began to grr again. **Even the authoress understands he has a grring problem.** "Why are you all talking to Dally he said? **Did he say it or did he not?**

"Calm down…" said Dally "He is my best friend, he gets a little territorial sometimes." '_**THIS IS MY SIDE OF THE TABLE! YOU DO NOT CROSS THIS LINE!'**_

"Oh okay" said Shadow. **Wait, why would he be 'territorial' if you were just friends?**

"Aight!" said Dumbledore "I will now sort you into the hat" **And after I pull this first-year grasping a piece of paper out of the hat, we will see who the lucky winner is!**

One by on each of the students (and hedgemice **Hedgemice is indeed the plural of hedgehog. Yup. Makes sense. ** because there are some sonic characters **OH GOD THEY'RE MULTIPLYING!**) came up to the sorting hat. It told poems for the houses: there is Gryffindor, Huffelpuff, Ravenclaw and Slytherin.

"Edward Cullen….." said the hat, "SLYTHERING!"** Yeah yeah, big surprise.**

Edward put on a silver and green scarf and sat down a table at the end. He winked at Delly as if to say "Come to my house" **SWEET RAPTOR JESUS THERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT ARE NOT TO BE WRITTEN IN A FIC INVOLVING FIRST YEARS.**

"Shadow…. SLYTHERIN!" _**And yet another dark and brooding Gary-Stu is put into the Slytherin House…**_

Shadow put on a silver and green scarf and sat down next to Edward. "Gee I hope she gets Slytherin" thought Shadow.

"Hiei….. SLYTHERIN!" **Okay, we get it, all troll-authors love Slytherin.**

Hiei put on a silver and green scarf and sat down next to Shadow and Edward. He could not stop grazing at Dally…

Now it was Dally's turn. "DALLY" called the hat. She was beckoned and so went up. The boys did a drumroll with their feet. **I wish I could do that.**

"RAVENCLAW!"

**How the fuck did she get the house of wisdom and cleverness?**

Dally's face fell off.. **There is so much material for that line.**

"**QUICK! SOMEONE PUT IT IN ICE SO THEY CAN SEW IT BACK ON!"**

"**Did she give it to John Travolta?"**

"**SHE'S REVEALED HER TRUE FORM! KILL IT!"**

she could not believe it! The boys looked so disappointed. She sadly put on he black and blue scarf and sat at a table with a group of strangers…

Lucky she found her friends Charla, Annie and Meagan at her table! **Oh look, nondescript characters that will probably be a part of one sub-plot before disappearing completely.** "Hey guys I didn't know you were witches!"

"Yes we are we just found out this summer" said Meagan. "I cant believe we are in the same house!"

So there was good news after all. They began to head back to there home rooms when Hiei stopped Dally in the hall.

"Listen Dally I want to tell you something" said Hiei "I like you."

"I like you too Hieie" she said softly. **Oh god no.**

Then he kissed her and their lips met, like fire. **Like fire meeting… my keyboard as I smash it with an ice pick and it sits in the hearth and burns?**

"Ok ok that's enough" said a voice. It was Proffessor Umbrudge the defense against dark arts teacher, **Whoah time warp.** "Go to your rooms" **She seems pretty calm for 'Umbrudge' standards.**

"I'll see you tomorrow" said Hiei and kissed her again **Don't push your luck, bucko.**

"I SAID ENOUGH GOD DAMMIT" shouted the Proffessor **There we go.**

"Bye!" said Dally

They left and from the darkness two eyes watched. IT was Edward he was mad… **I THOUGHT THEY WEREN'T ABABSDBDBSMA[]\p[ar]\sp[f\][**

**So. That was chapter one. It pretty much sums up the whole story.**

Dally sat in the common room or Ravenpaw sketching a picture of Hiei **Aww, is the ickle firstie coloring? **and thinking of his kiss. Suddenly se looks up at the fire in front of her and a face appeared! The fire turned blue like water but it was fire and the eyes wee yellow.

"hello" said the fire **"hello" said professor umbrudge**

"Mom?" asked Dally

Jut then Mystique came out of the fire she was naked but she didn't have nipples. **Why X-Men? Of all the things, why X-Men? AND I WANT NIPPLES!**

"now that you are a wizad I can give you my powers" said mystique. **Wait, Mystique is her mom what the fuuu?** She handed me an orb and suddenly the room turned colors **THE ROOM TURNED COLORS. **

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH" screamed Della. She was in a lot of pain and sufferage. **Oh, right in the feelings. You can practically hear the emotion in that sentence.**

Then mystique disappeared leaving dally with a belt with an X on it. She was now a mutant. **Woo.**

Dally could feel a new rush hour of power **POWAH HOUUUUR!** in her organs. She tried it out and turned into a bat! "Well I could already do that cuz I'm a vampire lol" she thought to herself, so ten she tried it out again and turned into a a demon chaos chao! **WHY SONIC?** A little spiky ball was above her head. **And that's all the description we get.**

"oh my fucking christ" she said, "I can turn into whatever I want with mustiques powers!" **Durr.**

She pulled out her blackberry and txted hiei, "HIEI I AM A CHAO" he came right over. **If you wanna get someone's attention, text them in all caps and with no context.**

She turned back tho because it would be creepy if they kissed and he said it was really cool! He wanted the powers too so he asked the fire "can you give me those powers too?"

"NO!" mystique showered, "You are not my dauter and therefor I cannot pass the powers onto you however if you get married you will be my sun so we can do it then" **Okay?**

"You know what this means?" Hiei said, "If we get married I can have the powers" **Yep, I heard that too, Hiei. I didn't need your help.**

But suddenly Dally began to think of the other guys in her life. There was Edward… he had Bella but he said something aout liking her on the trolly, and there was shadow, who looked at her like "I like you". **You mean he just looked at her? Cuz we all know Shadow's a stud.** She loved Hiai **HAI HIEI!** but she liked the others…

"I don't think so I have cold toes" **Me too, I should probably turn my thermostat up…** said Dally and she ran away crying

"NO YOU CANT LEAVE ME HERE AT THE ALTAR" **It's called a **_**fiiiiiiiiiiireplaaaaace.**_** It's a maaagical box that produces pretty burny things.** shouted Hiei in upset.

"HAHAHA" laughed mystique "YOU WILL NEVER FUCKIN GET TE POWEERS" **I GOT DA POWAAAH!**

And then she disappeared and so did Hiei cuz hes not supposed to be in Ravencalws dorm room lol wtf ** I really hope that wasn't supposed to be funny.** was he thinking. Dalli wept quietly to herself when all of the sudden a blonde walked out of his class and aprochjed her.

"What's wrong Dally?" he asked.

"Who are you?" I asked.

"Oh my name is Draco Malfoy..." he said "Arf you ok?" **Draco is a werewolf too.**

Dally looked into Drake's eyes and saw that he cared, he was ful of compassion like a snake. **'Snake' does not come to mind when **_**I**_** think of compassion… neither does Stephen Moffat.** The boy held out a hand and pulled up dally up. "Do you want me to walk you to your class?" he asked

"I would love that" Dally said battering her ashes. _'__**Bad ashes! *hits with bat* BAD!'**_ They began to walk down the hallway together when a blast came out before htem. It was Edwart! **ERMERGARSH EDWART I RAULVE YUU!**

"DALLY!" he shouted "What are you doing with all these bois?" **What the hell, Edwart? What happened to your accent?**

"um edward its relly none of your business now let us go to the great hall" she snipped.

"IT IS DANGEROSU" **IS DANGEROSUUUUUU!** he begun to raise his voice

Just then draco pulled out his wand and him and the vampie **He has a name…** got into a big fight. But DUmbledumdore came and broke it up **Why the hell did he leave his office just for that? It's awesome in there!**

"THAT'S IT" he shouted "You boys will cum have a talk with me in my office" and they left.

So Dally had to go to the great hall by herself but then shadow came and joined her. "What is a pretty girl like you doing all b yourself in the great depression all alone?" he asked her ** STALKER!**

"well hiei is being an asshole!" she said and cryed again. Shadow put his paw on her leg and massajed her caressing "Its okay" he said "Its okay" **Damn Shadow, you smooth.**

Meanwhile hiei was updates **STEAM CLIENT UPDATE** punishing walls angerly! "WHY DID I HURT HER?" **Did you? I was probably singing the 'Minty Fresh' song in my head while I was reading about it.** he aksed himself and then he thaught of a soluble. **I used those all the time in Chemistry.** "I will win her back" he said.

Meanwhile Edward and Draco were upstairs in Dumbeldores house. They were sitting on his bed cuz he said they were out of cars. **A new shipment is expected to come in by November 17th. **

"What do you think u punishment should be?" Dubledore asked paseing around he was wearing a black t-shirt and ripped Hollister jeans that showed off his mussles. **What. The. Fuck.**

**No.**

**What. The. Fuck.**

**Ignoring that!**

Edward grred, his sences were tingling… that something was not wrong. **So everything was fine?**

Suddenly dumbeldore put his hands on bot of their legs and said "I can think of something…" _**'YOU DIDN'T GIVE US TIME TO THINK!'**_  
"OMG you faggot!" **Faggot = a bundle of sticks. I assume this is one of those newfangled 'Easy-Remember' hexes?** draco screamed. He tried to run but he couldnot….. **And so ends the chapter.**

**Fuck.**

**Goodnight.**


	2. Chapter 2

**WELCOME BACK TO**

'**THE WORST FANFICTION EVER'**

**A.K.A.**

**EVAN READS FACE THE STRANGE.**

**As I was copy-pasta-ing this, I caught glimpses of terrible, terrible things, and I know that this is just gonna be so **_**fun…**_

**Bold **is my comments.

Normal is Dally's Tara-ble fic (geddit like Tara Gilesbie cuz I'm goffick.)

'_**Bold Italic in single-quotes, dog!' **_is probably some dumb little skit I do or me mocking a character in the original story.

**Bold Underline: ** If you see this format it means I'm_ really pissed_. Think of it as Caps Lock +.

Shadow and Dally were talking in the Great Hall when all of the sudden a cheetah ran in at warped speed, barreling through chairs and people in a frantic rush of hurry. **I go everywhere like that.**

"SHADOW! DALLY!" shouted the cheetah, suddenly it turned back into Charla (she is a anemograph **You butchered it, Dally.** and can turn into a cheetah) "SOMETHING IS GOING UPSTAIRES"

Shadow put them all on his back because he is fastest even faster than the leopard **FASTER THAN SAAAWWNIC?** and they ran upstairs and busted down Dumble's door just in time to see him unzipping his genes. **I learned about that in chemistry too. Hay-o! Throwbacks!**

"NOOO! EDWARD!" Dally shouted… she loved Edward and would never see him get hurt. **Where'd Edwart come from?** She ran at Dumbledore and headbutted him. **Like a boss?** He flew back into the wall and fell into his phenix, and they both exploded into thin air. **His phoenix is a teleport?**

"FUCK WE LOST THEM" **HAHAHA… it's the little punctuation errors that are the funniest.** exclaimed Draco, "We have to get that basterd fired from Hogywarts"

The three of them mated downstairs to Professors Macnoggle's **I like it.** orifice **Ehhh…** and demanded an interview. She opened the dory to her chamber and said "Come in dearest stunts! **Minnie would never call anyone 'dearest students.'** What can I ass you in?" **Just no.**

"We need to get a certain pedofile fired from this plays," said Harry, **WHERE'D HE COME FROM? WHY ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE JUST WALKING IN?** "He tried to rape some students including me"

"Oh no don't worry thought I will have it all took care of," she said and bamfed **Pretty accurate.** them out.

A week later a blog **Hogwarts has a blog now?** was posted aboot **Canada, eh?** it in the bathrooms that said "A teacher has ben fired to improper actinic against a students, this teacher is Professes Umbrige"

"WAT" **WAAAAAAAAAAAT?** they all mounted in unicorns, **Just beautiful. I want that line on my tombstone.** "THEY FIRED THE WRONG TEACHER" **Hey, take what you get, asswipes!**

"Wait keep reading" said Shadow, "It said more"

"There is a new teacher to be hired in place of this one and his name is Jack Skeleton". **Really? R-Really?**

**Yes, whatever, keep destroying my childhood and pissing on the pieces… I don't mind…**

"Yay!" I said, "Professor Skeleton will know what to do! Let's go to his class and tell him about that faggot Dumbledore."

They whaled over and came into his office. He was very skinny and had a skull for a head and no eyes but teeth on them. **He had teeth on his nonexistent eyes?**

"Hello students, what can I halp you with?" he asserted.

"Dumbledore Is gay!" **True.** blarted Edword.

"Well students there is nothing wrong with bean gay," he said, "I am bisexual myself." **I FACKING KNEW IT!**

"No but he tried to FINGER US" said Draco, he turned blue **That's not good.** a little because he was embarrassed. **Oh yeah, I turn blue when I get embarrassed too.** Draco is straight and it's Adam and Steve not Adam and Steve. **I see, I see.**

"OH FUCK" **HAHAHAHAHA!** said Jack. They exclaimed to his the whole story and he said, "Don't worry I will take acres of this. **Name your price.** Just go to your rooms and sleep for tonight. Until then incest Dumbledore is not here there are no rules…" **Last man left alive lock the doors…**

So they left and went to their rooms, except for Dally And Hiei who hung out outside where the dorm rooms started.

"Did you hear what Proffessor Skeleton said?" Hiei asked, "I know that you are mad at me but there are no rules and maybe I can make it up to you." **Hiei, don't take it literally!**

"How would you do that?" asked Dally. **Fuck.**

Just then he pushed her against the Ravenclaw satellite and because to kiss her gastricly. **Eww!** She put her tongue in his mouth and felt his teeth. He cut his tongue on her fangs **Hiei's a vampire? I thought I was rid of that shit! Fuck!** and the blood tripped down his chin… he was turned on by it and suddenly Dally felt something against her. **FUCK!**

"Hiei is that your wand?" she asked. **FUCK!**

"No… that is my penis, Dally…" he said **in a long-suffering voice**.

"OMG you're so huge! You're like 6 inches!" she shouted, gasping for breath.

"No I am 6 inches flassid, right now I have a bonner so I am 10 inches," he said. **YOU ARE ELEVEN! SHE IS ELEVEN! WHYYYYY?**

Della was at a lost for words. She was a virgin and did not know about dicks and it was her first time having a penis. **Now you have make this a gender-bender? Bullcrap! **

"Let's go to your room," said Hiei, "I want to have sex with you." **Thanks for that.**

So he said the password and they went into Ravenclaw, and went to Dally's bedroom. A couple Ravenclawers were like, "Dally what he is doing here?" but she turned Hiei into a broom with her powers as a mutant so they didn't notice anymore. **They're like guards in a stealth game, **_**"Oh look, a broom. Okay, no problem here."**_ Then she unturned him back into a Hiei when they got onto her bed. **Which is sound-proofed and impossible to move the curtains of, I presume. **They started kissing and taking their clothes of.

"Do you have a birth control?" asked Dally as he started to put it in.

"No… I didn't think to bring somes." He said frowning but he kept doing it. **What, you think he'd say, "Brb, gotta go to CVS," and just leave?**

"Hiei please I don't want to have a baby… you can get pregnant even from your first time," **Dally: the PSA.** she said kissing him and moaning as he went faster and faster.

"It will be okay… you can just use your power to turn my cum into water and then it wont be babies," **"And then it won't be babies," …beautiful.** he said as he started to tittyfuck her. Her boobs were huge **YOU ARE ELEVEN!** so they could wrap them around his weiner like bumblebees. **HOW DOES THAT EVEN**

"That sounds like a good idea," she said as he splurted **The sound-effects are spot-on.** on her neck, then flipped her over and started rubbing himself on her back, "I can also use my powers to turn stuff into kinky sex toys!"

So they continued… but just from the first chreptar 1, Edward was watching from the darkness… he had used his vampire powers to turn into a bat and they didn't notice him fly in.

HE was angry… he was tumors… **Tell me more.** he was so mad at both of them that he used his wizard powers **I thought he only had vampire powers goddamn it!** to turn the water back into cum. He would have his revenge!

Hiei and Delly woke up to the shutter of Hogwarts students cheering and lollygagging. They jumped out of bed and ran into the Great Hall where cowards of people were crowding around a girl.

"What is going on here?" Hiei dementored to know. **Make way for the great Hiei! Bow before him and his anime smexiness!**

"Wait… that's Bella!" said Delly as she peered through the congregation.

Just as Delly said, Bella (Edward's girlfriend) was there and ironaldly she was giving a speech about why teen parentcy is illegal. **Again, Dally: the PSA.** "Well it's a good think we turned that water into wine!" said Hiei winking at her, and then they took seats in the front. _**"IT'S SO INTERESTING! I FEEL NO NEED TO LEAVE!"**_

Edward was sitting nearby and so was Shadow. All the students had to go to this meeting because it was majority for there classes. **Well, that makes my previous joke irrelevant. THANKS FOR MAKING ME FEEL BETTER.**

In the back of the rom, Proffessor Snaps was watching Bella carefully… he did not get the memo about her coming to give a pubic speech and so from afar he thought that it was Harry Potter's mom! **But… she's… wha?** When Bella's speech was over, she walked to the backyard to board her 2003 Chevy Pullover **Sponsor!** when a bag flew over her head."

"I have you now, Lilly Anne **I believe that's wrong.** Potter!" he says and soufflés **Lulz.** her into the trunk of his jeep. He sped off into the night. **Myahahaha! I have you now, Lily! Myaa! Myaaa!** Edward grred… again his sences were tingling in the moment's heat. **Well, uh, his girlfriend just got kidnapped by a man in a big white van… I wonder why his spider senses are tingling…**

"Listen everyone" he said, "We need to save Bella. Something horny has happened to her and it is up to us to save him!" Everyoned knotted. "But we need someone who is good with a sword…"

Hiei was good with a combat but he was feeling fangled from the sex he had with Dally (since there were no rules they had sex over one thousand times) **Shit, man! Is his dick a bloody stump now? **, so he did not raise is hands. In stead he deciphered to make a suggestion box.

"I think that Link should do it," **No…** asked Hiei.

Just then a blonde boy **No!** with a green hand and leggings **NO!** came upon a gryphon. **What?** He was wearing a sword and he had pointy ears. **NOOOO!** He swirled his weeping and slammed it into the ground with his foot. "LETS KICK SOME ASS HE SAID!" **"OKAY HEREPLIED"**

**Fuck! Why Link? Again with the childhood destroying!**

And then they wee on the way. Snape was fucking the shit out of Bella, **Basically.** but since she was blinde (the bag had punctured her eyes) **What? Is it a bag made of knives?** she thought it was Edward and moaned punctually.

Edward bust into the room and saw them making woopie and had a look of sheer whore on his face. **Like Bellatrix?** He balls dropped, **Finally!** he could not believe what he was saving. In his head he saw that his doorest Bella was in danger.. but in his yes he was seeing that it was not the chaste at all. Bella was indeed riding Snape's cock with her pussy, **Indubitably.** and she happy. **YO MAN, SHE HAPPY, MAN.**

He ran away as fast as his feet could carry him.

"EDWARD WAIT!" **NUU EDWART Y WULD U LEEV ME!** Dally shouted. She wanted him to come back and see treason, because she saw from the way Bella's eyes were gourged out that she did not know, but then she remembered Bella was a cunt **Oh right, I almost forgot.** and told Edward, **But he ran away!** "I think we should kill them both…" **The solution to every infidelity.**

SO Edward came back to the room while the both of them was still humping and attacked Bella first. He sunk his teeth into her neck like the titanic **I have no words.** and all at once she turned to stone. **How many powers does this guy fucking have!** Dally grabbed Snape's dick and threw it out the window, **Okay, I'm sorry, that was badass. She threw Severus Snape out the window by his dick.** and then Link stabbed him through his heart and lungs. **Oh. Less badass.**

The scene it was messy… blood and guts was everywhere… and Bella and Proffessor Snape were dead. It was in this step that they knew they could depheat Dubledore.

When Proffessor Skellington heard the ipod, he rushed to the show right away. **What?** "Fucking god damnit," he swore, **Jack is awesome!** "Now we will need a new teacher again." **Who now? Willy Wonka?**

He thought to himself for a few seconds and then said, "Edwart! **ERMERGERSH EDWART!** You can be our new tether!"**U R T BES TETHER EDWART! ** He smeared warmly.

Edward was shocked and aroused. **He… okay?** "I can not believe this… it is such a hammer!" **I feel you, buddy.** He accepted the medal and went to clash to teach. Since he was a vampire he knew the most about potions. **Makes sense, no?**

"This is good news for Ed!" said Dally. "Aright gangbang **Good name.** lets go over whose in our gang: We have Edward, Me, Hiei, Link,Shadow the Hedgemouse, **Just wow.** Jack Sellingtons, **Yes, thank you for reminding me that this fucking story is a gigantic fucking orgy of everything I've ever FUCKING loved.** Me, and who else?"

"I think that we should get Sasuke," said Link, "He is is in Griffindoos, but if we tell him Dumbledore is a pedofile he will probably want to kill him two." **Presenting: Link's mind.**

"That's an extortionist idea!" **Most of Link's are.** said Bella, "I think we should do it."

They all ran to the Gryffindoor commonplace and barged in on Saspluke, **Bam. Rename Naruto to Narplo and we'll be set for life.** he was changing and half naked (FANGASM). **I hate. I am hate.** Everyone ran out a once cuz it was embearassing except Hiei who came out a few minutes later. **All anime men are gay for each other.**

"WHAT THE HELL HIEI" shouted Dally, "Do you like him?"

"I don't think so," said Hiei, "It was kinda hott though…"

"THIS IS NOT THE FUCKING POINT" **ERMERGURSH U TILL HIM EDWART!** barged Edward, "We need his help and so it doesn't matter what clothes he's swearing"

They uncame back in and he was closed. "What did you want gays?" **My friend Jamie greets me like that all the time. True story.** said Sasuke, "Sorry I was studying."

"We need your help to kill a certain pedofile" said Shadow in a low but gruggly voice, "You are a ninjask **Pokémon too? Really? I hate everything and everyone!** and therefore good with killing. **It's scientifically proven.** You also have powers. And a wizard." **Why does everyone have like fifty friggin' powers?**

"I will join your team!" said Sasuke he was tying his shoes. **ERMERGURSH SASPLUKE STUP TYIN JUUR SHOZ.** "When will we go on the missionary?"

"RIGHT FUCKIN NOW" said Bella. **AMERICAA! FUCK YEAH! Wait… SHE DIED!**

And so they all ran off into the night to defeating the faggot Dumbledore with the powers! **You got da powaah!**

Dally, Hiei, Shadow, Edward, Jack, and Sasuke left off trying to find Dumbledore. They were gunna get him frisked from the school because he tried to warp some boys. **Are you sure you don't mean 'boards?'** They looked in Hoodmeade, the chamber of secretes. **They just randomly know about it. Y'know. (I bet EDWART is parselmouth scum.)** And even used the map that Harry's dad left him of Hogwerts **The key phrase here is 'HARRY'S dad left HIM [the map].'**

**Fuck logic.**

but could not see him for shite. **HAHAHA!**

"Wait" said Draco **Oh come on, for fuck's sake not him again! **_**My Immortal**_** had enough Draco for three lifetimes!** "I know where the fuck we will find that bastert."

They got in the car and drove to the mall by the school. **Yep, I'm… pretty sure there's always been a mall near Hogwarts.** First they checked American Engle, then they checked Wet Seal, then they checked Tifanny and Co-op, but they finally found him in the queerest of all stores… Holster. **True dat.**

They all pulp out their wands and did cruses on him. He flew in the air and wobbled like a booby, and hit a lot of slaves on the way down. **Ignore the entire last sentence and you might only have a **_**very**_** minor case of serious brain damage.** The employee working was getting liberated. "YOU WILL NEED TO LEAVE IF YOU SIMPLE PLAN **I HATE EVERYTHING!** ON KEEPING THIS UP" he roared, yeling.

But no one heard him over the sound of acne going on. Dumbledore knew how to excape however because he was a master of the escapes, and he clicked is heels together and said danished. **'Danished' is the magic word to Apparate, it's just really, really out of use. Damn kids doing shit silently...**

"WE WILL NEVER CATCH HIM" cryed Draco, just then Dallystarted getting morning sickness all over the store. "Oh my god…" Draco **GO HOME, DRACO, NOBODY WANTS YOU HERE! **aid, looking at the puke. "Are you…. ….?"

"This can't be…" Daldo **WHO THE HELL IS THIS?** said, "Hiei… I thought…!"

"THIS IS NOT MY FAULT," said Hiei. Just then he started to show his true colors… **Meaning?** "it wasn't me… I swear to god it wasn't me…"

"It WAS you," Dally insisted. She could not believe he was denying it.. they had sex a hundred times and she never had sex with any of the ones. "YOU CAME IN ME. I TOLD YOU YOU CAN GET PREGNANT EVEN FROM ANAL." **Uhh, no, you can't.**

Hiei got bat… the others just stared down ventmently. "Hiei is this true?" said Edward coyly as if to pretend nothing happened, "Did you impignate her?"

"WELL YOU WOULD KNOW," said Hiei, "YOU FUCKED BELLA… **Did he?** AND HTEN YOU KILLED HER." **That is true.**

Edward was baken aback. "Is that true?" asked Dally, "Edward… I can't believe you…" she started crying.

"Why are you crying?" asked Hiei. "I.. I wanted to be Edwerds first time.." she admits. **Just SHUUUUUUUUUUUUT UUUUUUP!**

Everyone was in raw. "Dally… I … I need to text you something" he looked at Hiei then pulled out his motorolla. "WHAT ARE YOU SYAING?" hiei demanded. **OH MI GOSH WAT DID EDWART SAYYYYY?** He did not like that their was a private convo happenin. A text popped up on Dally's screen.

"I did not have sex with Bally," Edward said, "You can still be my fart" **You should be honored, Dally.**

Draco put Dally in a wheelchair, "Listen everyone I think we should put KTFD (Killing The Faggot Dumbledore) on hold because Dally's water could beak any time and its important we send her to the hospital wins." **So, according to Draco Malfoy, since you have morning sickness it means you're about to give birth.**

They returned back to the school and Dally sat in the hospital bed. All kinds of tubes were attracted to her arms and legs to keep her populated. ..it reminded Edward of when Bellala was in the hospital. But he didn't want to think about her… she was dead now. Now it was al about Bella.

"I'm going to go get you some medicine," said Hiei, and kissed her on the forehead, leaving. **Hiei. You're not a doctor. Hiei. Stop.**

IT left her all alone with Edward. He sat next to her on the bed. "You're going to be oakaki, Dally," he said, his voice sultry and soothing, and he put is hand on her leg under the cover. She was only waring a hospital gowns so it was her bear white leg.

"Edward…. Is that your wand?" she asked, feeling to weak to check. **Fuck, not this again…**

"No… it is my hand… how are you feeling?" he asked her. His eyes were shinning gold… "Are you feeling… like being my first?"

He learned in to kiss her… but she turned, so he only got the cheek. "You're 16… are you sure you're a virgin?" she asked him doubtedly.

"I am sure," he said, "I haven't even used tongue with Bella." **How do you live with yourself?**

"Well… I am with Hiei. He won't like it if we do that," she said, shriving a little. "I thought you said you wanted to… you can't blue balls **Nyeh?** me," he said flatly, "Seriously if you don't put out youre a bitch just like Bella."

Dally started to cry… why was he being so mean to her? She thought. Hiei came back in though and Edwart porned off. "What is he so mad about?" Hiei asked. "I don't know," Bella lied.

"Listen… Dally… I need to talk to you about something," Hiei said, sitting on the bed where Edward shat. **I can't even respond to that, it was too amazing… I think I'm tearing up…** "Do you remember when I stayed in Sasuke's room with him?"

Dally's stomach fell off… she got nervous, "Uh… y-y-yeah…"

"Well… the truth… is that… we… Sasuke and me…. We…."

"OUT WITH IT" she said. "We… we… we had sex!" **That should be a rule of the internet: every Anime character is gay for the other.** Hiei was so embarrassed. **Uh, duh.**

"WHAT?!"

The hole school could hear the scream… **But she's in the hospital…**

**Fuck.**

**Goodnight.**


	3. Chapter 3

**WELCOME TO**

'**THE WORST FANFICTION EVER'**

**A.K.A.**

**EVAN READS FACE THE STRANGE.**

**I hate.**

**This is only chapter five.**

**Already my brain is screaming in agony and craving abridged serises. That's proper grammar, right?**

**Bold **is my comments.

Normal is Dally's Tara-ble fic (geddit like Tara Gilesbie cuz I'm goffick.)

'_**Bold Italic in single-quotes, dog!' **_is probably some dumb little skit I do or me mocking a character in the original story.

**Bold Underline: ** If you see this format it means I'm_ really pissed_.

Shadow came into the room. "What's goin on?" **HEEEEEEEYEEEEEEEYEYEYEYEYAH** he asked while he asked while **he asked while he asked while he asked whi**

"Hi-hi-hi-hiei and I are th-th-thorough!" she sobbed, "It t-t-t-urms out hes a f-f-f-faggot just like D-d-d-**d-d-d-d-d-d-d-duel! **dumbledooooreeee!" and then she wailed all over. "Oh Dally I'm so sorry," **Sure you are buddy-boy.** he circumcised, **I'm immune to these intentional yet hilarious misspellings, sorry.** "But listen, weave just been given an anonymous tit about where Dumbledore is… **Are they a gang now? They have people giving them 'anonymous tips.'** so we have to go… do you want wand of us to stay here with you while you birth?"

"No… you must go to fight the good fight," **Does anyone else smell cheese?** Dally said bravely, "Besides I think I still gotta lil bit bonger cuz the baby stopped kicking…"

"Is it dead?!" asked Shadow bewigged. **Yes. That's it.**

"No because we took an x-ray.. **So… they took an x-ray and it melted its developing leg-bones so it couldn't kick anymore? God, my thought process is so weird…** its ok its healthy, just GO NOW!" she commanded.

So the boys ran off. The place where the tip was that Dumbledore was was in the Hagrid's house. Apparently Hagrid and Dumbledore are cloys friends like bfff (buttfucking friends forever)

**This.**

**This is the highest part of the story.**

**So beautiful. I'm crying tears of blood.**

and so they heard from his dog, Axle **Rose**, that he was in there (the dog learned to speak from bean around wizards so much) **I learned to fly from having so many pet birds.** and THEN THEY WERE OFF **ADVENTUUUUURE** to where Dumbledore was.

But the journey there was awkwart because Hiei and Edward weren't getting along. They kept glaring at each other and then Link noticed "Come on guys what is going on guys?" **HAI GUIZ WATS GOIN ON GUIZ CAN I HELP GUIZ?** he asked being a good guy and breaking it up.

"Hie is a shit," **Words of the wise.** Edward grred. **STAHP GRRIN EDWART** "Yeah well at least I didtnt KILL MY FUCKEN GIRLFRIEND" **OOOOO** Hiei shouted. "LOOK LOOK CALM DOWN NO NEED FOR VIOLINS," **Link **_**hates**_** classical music.** Link stated with reason **That's how Morgan Freeman states things. **_**With reason**_**.**

But then Sasuke thought of something. "OMG fuck… I forgot…" he whisper… "Listen, I Know why we can't defeat that pillow biter…" **YOU HAVEN'T TRIED YET!**

"Why?" asked Sasuke **SASPLUKE STAHP TALKIN TO URSELF**

"Its because… remember how Harrys mom and dad saved him through love?" '_**Uhh, sure.**_** (**_**WHO THE FUCK IS HARRY?)'**_ he answered

"Yes that's when Cedric died" **Totally.** Shadow said soberly…

Megan **WHY DO THESE PEOPLE KEEP JUST WALKING ON THE SET?!** cryed at the mammary…

"Well… it's the same here. We need two people who love Dally the most to savor her… and mix together." **What?**

Everyone looked at each other. They all wanted to say the loved her the toast, **I prefer waffles for breakfast, but that's just me.** but they all knew… it was Hiei and Edward, the nemesis's.

"You know what to do…" said Sasuke, "Do it if you really love her like yu sau"

"Okay… are you ready, Hiei?" Edward said. He was kinda scared, it was a big step… **What is even going on?**

"Yes….. …. …." Hiei said, "Ahem….. FUUUUUUUUU-" **I feel you, Hiei.**

"SIIIOOOONNNNN" said Edward

"HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO !" they said in unison **'Fusion-Ho!' …best Anime phrase ever.**

BAM! They mixed together to form…. PLATINUM BILLY! **What?**

It was Billy Martin (from Good Charlotte) **FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUC K**

**NO**

**FUCK**

**SHIT**

**GAhfzkjkldsa**

**REALLY?**

**GOOD CHARLOTTE **_**AGAIN**_**?**

_**I seem to have transcended to some higher level of anger.**_

with platinum blonde hair. "Omg…" said Sasuke, "That's SO wrong… but sooo hot!"

Platinum Billy makes a face… "omg I feel so powerful…" **So… fusing into the guitarist of Good Charlotte is Dally's version of going Super Saiyan?**

**Makes sense. It really does.**

"I think its time for the fight…" said Shadow now feeling condo about the team. "But wait… your strong enough… I can go back to the hospital to see Delly rigtht?"

"Well yea I guess… well get your back Shady," said Plat. B. **Is it that hard to copy and paste? Really?**

Shadow went back to the hospital. He saw Dally was all alone raiding "Cosmo". There was an article about sex tips and it kinda make him blush.

"Hey… Dally how are you failing?" he asked her truly **I swear, he really asked her!**

"I'm good.. will you sing me a song?" she asked. **Naggy piece of**

"okay," he said and then he warmed up his vochal cords:

"youre my honey bunch sugar puff

Hubby ubby umpkins

Youre my sweetie pie

Youre my cuppy cake gumdrop

Shnoogum boogum you're

The apple of my eye…" **I need to throw up.**

"awww," she cooed, "That was so sweet… will you give me a hug?"

He went over to hug her.. .he felt the bumpof her belly but even more then that he felt her large breats. The room was cold (from Edward being in there he made it cold) so her nipples breast against his chest… He had to pull away quick befire he got hard… **The adventures of Shadow.**

"I have to go," he said "they need me at chagrin **See, I bet that misspelling isn't that far from the actual word, but I can't tell what it is because the context is terrible.** … sorry.."

So she was all alone… again in the wing.

**So ends the chapter.**

Shadows back. They were gonna plan their attack on Dumbledore…

"What is a fucken faggots biggest weakness?" **Opera?** asked Shadow since he missed their talk already.

"Its gay anal surf," answored Dally, **DALLY! GO BACK TO THE HOSPITAL RIGHT THIS INSTANT.** "if they don't take garyatric pills then if we put enough water in their ass their intenstines and stomach wil leak out…" **Umm, sure.**

"It is a slow painful dead," Sasuke continued…

"Because it will make youre eyes fall into your tonstils and it all falls out at the bottom," Link finished. **Wh—**

"Oh is that because their asshoes are all loosened out from the sex?" **HOW DO EYES RELATE TO THIS PROCESS?** Shadow asked. Link noddd. Link bachelors from college so he knew about priest. **Me too.** Sasuke was also a healer but not unlike as much as Link. **That answers all my questions.**

"So how ae we going to get that much water in his ass?" Shadow asked "We don't have enough receptickles to put them in…"

"Platinom Billy has the power to shoot that out of his hans," **I see.** Lank expend more. **I think Dally is having a stroke.** "He little red and then it just kind of goes from there…" **I understood none of that statement.**

They all took deep breathes before kicking down the dore with a mighty PUSS and where there was supoxxed to be Dumbleore there was only Haggid with his back face to the crowd in a reclining chaira with the TV playing "Spin the Wheel of Excitement" ". **OMG I LUV DAT SHO**

"WHERE THE FUCK IS DUMGBLEDORE" howeled Billy, he was losing love for the world **Me too.** and they started tumoring back into Edward and Hiei.. they knew it was a trap.

Edwad and Hiei were too toirtle from the evolution **I heard 'turtle' and 'evelution.' She better not bring pokermon into this.** and laid on the dirty floor while Shadow spun the chair around to deal a DEAD HAGRID. There was wands coming out of all the sausages of his body … **I need to stop reading this. I don't think it's even considered reading…**

"OH JESAS", gasped Sasuke he has a weak stomach and pubed all over the already dead corpes. **How many dead Hagrids? One! Ah ah ah, two! Ah ah ah, three!** "WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THONG" **BEETS ME**

Just then Axle **Who is this again?** came out from under the table… and turned mack into Mystiqeu! **She turned back… meaning they knew it was her at one point?**

"MYSTIQUE!" Hiei said he hed a venditto against her for not giving him those powers… **Dude, Hiei really wants the powers, man.**

"Yes it is I," she smocked, "You really think you would get aware that easy? DYMBLEDORE AND I ARE WOKING TOGETHER NOW! HAHAHAHA!" **These damn villians and giving away their evil plans…**

"YOU FUCKING BITCHASS WHORE" Hiei swore and he charged at her full blast but she turned into quickly Dally and he couldn't do it… he stoped because he loved her… even if he did cheetah on her.

"I cant do it…" he admittoed… "But if Dally knew hat you were doing she would be TURNING IN HER GRAVE!" **DALLY'S DEAD?**

**GASP**

**OH ERM GEE PLOTT TWERST**

"I don't fucking give a Christ about Dally!" she laughed "She has the powers and you don't and Dumbledore and I are going to RAPE DRACO." **LEAVE DRACO ALOOONE HE'S NOT EVEN A MAIN CHARACTER!**

"SHIT" explained Link "We did loose him… WHERE IS THE HELL IS HE?" **I was wondering the same thing.**

"WE TAKE HIM TO AZCABIN" she said and then with a bluff fof wind she man a torpedo and flew out exploding the building. "WE NEED TO GET OUT OF THE FIRE" **Thanks for that, Dora.** they shouted and dived out… **When I was little, there was an earthquake. My family and I shouted, "WE NEED TO GET OUT OF THE EARTHQUAKE," and dove out the windows.**

Sasuke, Hiei and Link maid it out but when they turned they saw the burnging ashes of Shadow trying to crawl out of the carpet… **Hedgemice are highly flammable.** he was holdin on for dear lite but the flames endulged him, taking him deeper to death… **Good, I didn't want to read any bestiality in my lifetime.**

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Link tried to run after him but they hallowed him back…

They went up to Dalla's room in the hospital… she was sketching agun this time a picture of Shadow. **SHE HAZ THE DETH NOTE OMG **"Oh hello," she squirted, "Shadow sung me the nicest song today."

"Dally…" Hiei started… "We have bad news… something has happened…"

Again the whole school could hear the scream thin time in angus. **Again, she's in the— wait, she's in the **_**school **_**hospital.**

**Derp.**

**Evan: 6,712,327, Story: 1.**

They took a day off of KTFD so they can give Shadow a pope buries. They didn't put him in a koffin because it reminded Edward and Dally to much of bed **SINCE WHEN IS SHE A VAMPIRE TOO? GODDAMNIT!** and theyd get sleepy so they put him in a boat they took to Hogwarts and have him a Viking wedding. They set it on fire like how they died and sent him into the ocean where they ware mermaids. They all took a sec to say something in his salvation..

"I was always kinda jealous of him, " sais Edwarf, "He was so fast and kind."

"He took a sacofice to save us… for that I Ma always thankful," said Hie.

"Wish I woulda got to know him better…" said Link, "He couldhave been one my top friends" **This Shadow is in the top percentage of Link's friends.**

"He was so young," said Draco, "I miss him alteady."

Now it was Dally's turn… she was in her wheelcheese and had to bring the IC **You can tell Dally's mom is a doctor or something. **_**I**_** didn't know what a wheelcheese was until last week!** down with her so she was still all connected with links.

"Shadow was one of my best friends…" she bean, "I wouldn't have trade him for anyone in te world, even for the rarest pokemon, **I KNEW YOU WOULD DO THAT TO ME! I FACKING KNEW IT!** or the biggest chaos emerald. He had a handsome voice and could have really made something of itself."

Her speech impediment made everyone cry, **SHADOW DOESN'T HAVE A SPEECH IMPEDIMENT, FUCKING, UH, TAILS DOES!** it touched their sharts.

"We need to extract our revenge…" Edward grred, "The ysaid they were hiding out in Azcraban… all we have to do is get arrested and then we will be there to KILL THEM." **The perfect plan.**

"Ok but how will we get out after?" asked Sasuke.** Behold, the last shreds of logic in the universe.**

"Dally can use her powers to transform us all into something to escape or like death eaters so we can disquiseourselfes and it will work," said Hiei.

"ARE YOU FUCKEN OUT OF YOUR MOM?" **Yes.** scrame Edward, "Shes pregnant… how in the bloody hell **And you ruin British people for me too? Really? Low blow.** do you think I'm gunna let her fight you pussy eater?"

"She wont fight just heal, god damn it," Hiei said, "Well maybe we should wait til after she has the baby to do this…"

"We don't have time… I know I am the hero of it," **Well duh.** said Link, "We need to go fucken now or Draco will be raped and fingered."

Just then the whole school could hear a scream from the hospital. I was Dally.

"SHIT THE BABIESES CUMMING" they all said in unsun as they to the elegator in the Hogwarts. **Hogwarts does have an elevator. True story.** They pushed button "Come on come on come on we don't have time for tis BULLSHIT" **HAHAHA** they said hirredly.

Finaly they got up but it was too late… they missed the babys crowning and umbiblical chord. But the baby it was beatiful … it had red eyes (more red than Dally's, it was Hiei's eyes **Ignoring this…**) and black hair with red steaks from Dally and white from Hiei, **Makes sense. **_**'I have black streaks in my blond hair because my dad has black hair and my mom has blond.' **_**You see?** and it had fangs because it was Dally's vampire genes.

Nurse Joy handed the baby to Hiei, "You are now the father of a new boy…" **Thanks for that.** she nounced.

"Awww," he groped, "What sould we name him?"

"We should name him after Shadow who deid in his memory…"

"Okay…" Hiei angered, "His name… is Shadow Darkblood Yerameshi…" **I quit.**

…

**Goodnight.**

**Eh, there's one more paragraph anyway, might as well do it.**

Meanwhile Mustique and Dumbledore were around a orb (tne the one that made the room swirl and gave Daly the powers) and the ycould see into what was happening…

"FUCK" hurtled Mystique, "GOD FUCKING DAMIT I will teach that hot **Whoah incest.** gothic midget a thing or two about fucking MY daughter **Oh. Nevermind. **…"

"Mysqitue it just gets worse… " Dumbledore sighed "That boy… is the chosen one…" **Why is there always a motherfucking chosen one! 'EarthBound' at least **_**tried**_** to be original, it had a Chosen Four! Why can't you be more like EarthBound?**

**Okay, please don't, I was kidding. I don't want to see Dally beat up hippies and eat burgers out of trashcans while a mushroom grows out of her head…**

**YOU BRITISH TWAT**

**I hope you're happy, Robbie.**

**Goodnight.**


	4. Chapter 4

**WELCOME TO**

'**THE WORST FANFICTION EVER'**

**A.K.A.**

**EVAN READS FACE THE STRANGE.**

**I'm not sure I've explained this properly. Dally is also the author's name. Go figure, right?**

**Also, on the site for this story, chapter eighteen is titled 'Chapter Eugene.' Just thought I'd share that with you.**

**Bold **is my comments.

Normal is Dally's Tara-ble fic (geddit like Tara Gilesbie cuz I'm goffick.)

'_**Bold Italic in single-quotes, dog!' **_is probably some dumb little skit I do or me mocking a character in the original story.

**Bold Underline: ** If you see this format it means I'm_ really pissed_. Think of it as Caps Lock +.

"Mama! Mama!" **WAT DO YOU WANT**

"Dally! Baby was a bottle!" **'Honey, I Turned the Baby Into a Bottle' **Edward calked, and so she came running in the room whering a nightie. She ass sleeping but the boys were over to babyspit **Dally, are you okay? I think I need to call 911… **the baby while she was sleeping sleeping. **sleeping sleeping**

"Oh baby its okay," she pooed, **I can't touch this line.** "I got your bottle right hur". **NEED A BOTTLE HUUR!**

Edward and Hiei watced as the baby suckled donut. "Hm baby isn't liking the bottle" said Dally disappearedly, "Looks like I will have to feed breasts." She pulled her boob out of the nightei and the boys jaws dropped off. **Ouch.** "Don't gawk!" **You pulled it out right in front of them, it's pretty much your fault.** she cried and pushed the door on them so they left… **Dude, she shoved a door on top of them. Badass.** the baby didn't like the milk bottles because he was a vampire and wanted to drink blood farm Dally's tits. **That's not healthy.**

They were now living in Hagrid's house science he was dead as a doorsnail but they fixed it up so it looked like a nicer house and didn't smell of dead so much. They also downloaded a few new rooms so the guys could live in there too. Dally didn't share a room with anyone (its not approprimate according to Proffessor Macognaggle) **Look at it. Just look at that misspelling. **but Edward slept with Hiei and Link slept with Saskue (Dally said Hiei wasn't allowed too share a tomb with Sasuke because they would screw) **It's true.**

"I'm gonna go get some cake from the golden shower," **I'm… pretty sure that's not what it's called.** said Edward. They had throwed the golden shower in celebration of the babyand there was lots of leftoars. "okay see you soon," Dally said as little Shaddow suckled her teet.

Edward waked down the hall to the kitshen when a bag glue over his head… everything turned black and he was drafted… '_**ATTENTION PRIVATE CULLEN! STOP BEING A COMPLETE IDIOT LONG ENOUGH TO LISTEN TO MY WORDS OR I WILL STICK LEECHES INTO YOUR DISGUSTINGLY SPARKLY FLESH!'**_

"Hey whered Edward go?" **He went to get cake. From the golden shower.** Sally asked looking around she put the baby on the floor **Umm…** and ran out to the living room … "THE CAKE ISNT EAT" **Ohmigod… OHMIGOD… THE CAKE ISN'T EAAAAAAATTTTT!** she shouted and that's when she saw the note. IT was a random note **All my random notes are just shopping lists.** is read:

"WE TOOK SHADOW

WEI WILL NO TRETURN HIM UNDER ANY CIRCUSAUCES UNLESS YOU KILL THAT FUCKEN BABY **HOW IS SHE SUPPOSED TO KILL HIM IF YOU TOOK HIM?**

-NO ONE"** No problem here.**

"This was the wok of fucken Mystique and Dumbledore…" growled Hiei, **No, it was NO ONE! Stupid Hiei…** "They fuckin took Draco now they took Edward… how are they doing this righte under our noses/!" **They're ninjas. Only explanation.**

"They are the most powerful wizads, Hiei," **They're ninja wizards. Masters of the ninja element.** Dally explained, "Listen let me call my mom right now." She took our her blackberry **SPONSOR!** and speed dialed her. It rang… rang…

"Dally… **Wait, did someone just spell her name right? +1** I'm sorry to do this to you," came a voice it was obveiously a voice mail though, "But you should have known better to tan your genes… you will never have a baby again because your utorus can only hold one egg **Wat?** and you wasted it on this demon baby. It was chosen one and now it will kiss us all… **Eww! Baby porn! **because when demons and vampires mix **Since when is Hiei a demon? Goddamnit Hiei, I don't feel safe in this relationship because you hide so much from me!** it produces a hellspawn that is evilest at its core. I am takin away all the boys in your life so you cant make the mistakes sesame again…" **DON'T TELL HER THAT! SHE'LL JUST SPEEDFUCK ALL OF THEM!**

"What?" she ased her self and as she turned around… Hiei was gone too… she was all alone..

"LINK?!" she called "SASUKE?" no one answered… she began to fail nervous…

"M Y BABY!" she tugged and ran into the room wear she put it on the floor. He was still there shaking his prismacolored hair and biting on some rattlesnakes with his sharp fangs teeth. **HE'S RABID! GET THE SHOTGUN!** She plucked him and cuddled him "OH my baby thank God your still here…. Where are my boys?"

"Mama," said the baby, "Azkaban mama!" **DEMON BABY**

"What did you just say…?" she aksed serendipity. "Did you say…"

"Mama!" he jabbered again, "Haha Mama!" **DEEEMON BABYYY**

"Oh it must have been in my head…"she thought and went to go lie down… **Uhh, no… he definitely spoke because you produced a fucking DEMON CHILD!**

Mystique and Dubledore watched from the orb. Hiei, Draco and Edward were tyed up in stem cells with water around them in big tubes **This is not an alien film. They don't need to be suspended in liquid-filled tubes.** and they were put to sleep with trancuilizers.

"That fucken damn baby knows…" umbled Dumbledoor. **Best line in the story.**

"**Man…"**

"**What's up, Dumbledoor?"**

"**That fucken damn baby knows, man."**

"**Yeah…"**

"He is the Chosen One indeed," Mystique saught, "Soon he will lead her.. he cant quiet speak yet but when he figures will a way…"

Hiei used pound on the door of the tank… "MY BABY" he thought in his head.. .the baby heard him. **DEMON**

**CHILD**

"I'm coming to save you dada" the baby translated back through transfusion. "Oh Shadow," Dally said to the baby, "What are you thanking so fuckin hard about?" **How does she know when her, like, week-old son is thinking hard?**

"Mama" said baby Shadow, "Azkaban mama…"

"I need some sheep…" **Don't we all?** she said and went to bed…

**Lemme take a little break, I need some food.**

"No… no… NO!" **AAH! OKAY, MAYBE I WON'T!** suddenly Dally jolted up from her sleep in a panic, sweat was gushing down her neck and back like a giraffe. **Mhm.** She had another nightmare about Shadow (the hedge) **I named my hedge Shadow too.** … "It was just a dream…" she told herself.

"Mama" said baby Shadow, **I'm confused. This is Shadow the Baby talking, right? Not Shadow the Hedge, or Shadow the Hedgemouse? ** "Mama mama!"

"Oh! Why aren't you awake, honey?" **I have no material for this, except to point out that she just asked a crying baby why it WASN'T awake.** she said walk towards the baby, "It's way past your bed time its like 2:60am…" **2:60am… soo, 3?** she said squinting to read the cock. She hadn't wearing her contacts so it was a lil hard to see.. "Mama where the boys mama?" **I DON'T KNOW, JUST LEEV ME ALONE!** asked Shadow.

"Your language is getting so well!" she said "But they're hear… it was all a dream silly gooch."

"No mama.. nooo!" suddenly the baby started crying madly. **DEMON CHILD** "… hm maybe it wasn't a dream," Dally said. She checked the boys rooms… and they weren't there. Then it all came back to her… he must have forgat cuz Mystique must have used stun spore **Stop. Pokermon references must stop.** through the phone to put her to sleep (her magic was that powerful).

"It must be up to me to save them…" said Dally, "But what can I do? I'm only a first yeti **I KNEW IT! I KNEW SHE WAS JUST ELEVEN! Nevermind, she's a first **_**yeti**_**. I assume that's some kind of Durmstrang rank?** at school… I don't know enough magic to defeat the two post mowerful wizards in the world … besides I was away on pregnancy for a while so I am even behind!"

"I can hepp mama…" the baby talked. Just then the baby pushed fort his baby arms and the whore room was laminated **He's a master decorator.** … "What? How are you doing that Shadow?" but there was more… suddenly a portkey opened in the fireplace and it turned grassy green. **Getting your magical transportations confused again?**

"Get in the fire mama," the baby commanded. **DON'T LISTEN TO THE DEMON CHILD!** Dally was umpires … she didn't know to trust the babies **YEAH! GO COMMON SENSE!** but suddenly she heard Hiei's voice in her head. "You can trust Shadow" **NOOO! HIEI IS A TRAITOR! DON'T LISTEN TO HIM DALLY, LISTEN TO SOLID OL' GREY MATTER!** he said "He is The Chosen One."

"The Chosen one?" she looked at the baby… she looked like a normal baby boy **Uhh, no, he doesn't.** how was he chosen for anything? "Should I bring you too?" she asked Shadow. "No mama," he said, "I stay and watch house mama". "Okay… I'm goin in the fire now.. mama loves you baby.." she said and hopped in.

She warped around like gluten… it was like being drunk and high and on drugs at the same time. **WARP ZOOOOOONE!** She got dizzed from spinning and finally arrived at a spooky looking prison.. there were black people in cloaks and no faces. She hid behind a well… but she was right next to a chainber with a man all scraggly in it.

"Who are you?" he wished, "I'm Serious Black." **Dude, he's black. Seriously. Don't make fun.**

"My name is… Hally," she lied, "Do you know werewolf Dumbledore **Wat?** and Mystique are?"

"The heads of Azkabin?" he wishperd loudly, "I don't know anything beyond this cage… **Then how do you know they're the heads?** you could ask Bellalatrix the Strange though…"

She went down to a few more prisons down to see a woman with black midnight hair and a black dress. She was playing a violin that was covered in cobwebs. She was playing Baytovin. **Is it that hard to spell Beethoven? …okay, it is.**

"That's very pretty," Dally compiled. "Thanks…" said Bella, "You're looking for… a blue women… and a man with a long white bear **DUMBLEDORE'S BEAR RETURNS FOR REVENGE!** aren't you?"

"YES!" Dally, "How diddy **kong** you know that?"

"I am an oracle…" Bellatrix expunged, "This riddle will get you to them…" She handed Dally a peas of paper and it read:

"Down the hall and to the right  
You will see a strange sight  
It's a curtain it's black and red  
Behind it lies Ed" **Who the hell is Ed? Edd Gould? He died. RIP.**

"After you discover that clue you will find the next clue," Blatrix hisses and then Dally ran off. She thought about it… it seemed pretty legit. **Seems legit. OH CRAP DALLY'S A HIPSTER** She went down the hall and make a left and shore enough there was black and red curtain. She inrailed it to pee….. EDWARD CULLEN! **ALL I WANTED WAS TO PEE, I DIDN'T ASK FOR ROBERT PATTINSON**

He was all tied up and asleep in a tanks of a water… She opend the door and he poured out… **THEY TURNED HIM INTO A LIVING LIQUID! Oh God… the sex… Didn't need that image.** "EDWAD! EDWARD!" she freamed begging for him to be life. She did mouth to moth… his lips were icey cold and it turns her on. "OMJ LIVE FUCK" **I hate OMJ live too. (Okay, are they even a band? *googles* No.)** she got mad and suddenly he beat.

"HUUUUUU" he gasped "HUUUUU" **That sounds **_**so**_** friggin' stupid.** "Oh my fuck," Dally cried, "I thaught I lost you…" "No… HUUUU… I'm here… I'm HUUUUUUUUU okay" _'__**Though I do seem to have developed a HUUUUUUUUU… verbal tic.'**_ He gave her a hug.

"Do you have the next Ritalin?" she asked. He checked his pockets… there was a piece of paper. "Let me read dis," he said.

"Roses are red violets are blue  
Hiei will die and Draco will too  
All you really have to do  
Is walk down and take the stairs to floor two"

"Oh no… we're runnin out of time…" said Dally, "They're going to kill Drake and my Husband!" **Yep, and they were gonna do it three minutes ago, and five minutes before that. Nothing's changed.** Edward grred quatly to himself at the thought of Hiei and Dally facking… **FUCK WITH AN 'A' IS MY THING.** but they ran off…

THERE WAS NO TIME TO WASTE! **BUM-BA-DUM-BA-BA-DUM-BA-DUM-BA-DADADA-DUM!**

The note the had said to go to florr two but for some raison they were having a hard time finding that flour. Edwardand Dally went down all the hallwasy in searching of that but none to come.

"This is impossible!" **IMPOSSIBRUUU** said Dally all flushed "We never gonna find that floor."

"WAIT there it is" said Edward he pushed on a wall and behind it cane a fleight of stares. They ran up and warp speed **MY CHILDHOOD** (Edard was a lil faste with his vsapire powers) and they came upon sasuke and Hiei in tubes.

"HIEI" Dally scanned, She ran to the jar and bangled on it and it wont hopen. "SHIT we need to find a key…" Dally insisted. She looked around and checked spits keys are. She looked in the keyhole and on the wndow and she was gunna check under the carpet… but it reminded he of shadow. **How?**

"I FUCKING HATE CARPETS" **HAHAHAHA** she said and started cryein. **It's okay Dally, carpets make me cry too. OMG WE'RE SO IN SYNC **"Dally please contort yourself," Edward begged, "Look Shadow's death was a hard on for all of us but you gota get your shit together or all of our other friends will die to death too… please Dally, for me?"

She looked up at him, she looked so pretty when she cried and the tears poured down her face like mouth vesuvias… Edward was sohappy to see her. He leaned in to kiss to but out of the coroner of her eyes she saw Hiei in the tube and turned so again he got only the cheek…

"What the hell, Dally," and hten he slapped her across the face like you woud a puppy when he pees on the flowers,** LOL ABUSE IS HILARIOUS** "All I do is ty to love you and tis is how you repay me? Fuck you ad fuck these boys which youll probably do when you get them out… I been tryin for years to get you and you are just a FILTHY WHORE" **Uhh… you never really asked her… And I **_**think**_** she's only banged Hiei.** and hten he stormed out…

Dally pursed into to tears again… she was all alone let to defend herself and save Hiei, Sasuke and Draco and Link but she easy powerful enough! She cried and cried, "Oh please.. what will I do to get powerfalls enough to kill my momand Dumbledore and save Hogwarts….?"

Just then a woman apparated in a glowing light of dawn. It was the Faerie Queen she had purple hair and a purple dress. **Reminds me of the opening scene from 'Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.' **"Dally you have the power.. turn into the key remember?" and then she vanished.

Dally was inspired and turned into the key and rammed herself into the keyhole of all the keylocks. The boys fell out and gasped for breath.

"HUUUUU," said Link **Oh crap, Edwart, it's contagious!**

"HUUUUUUU" said Hiei

"HUUUUU," said Sasuke

"HUUUUU" said Draco. **It's like the friggin' Black Plague! **

"Oh my boys!" She ran up and recessitated all of them jungle they could breathe.

"Dally… you saved my life," said Hiei and he embraced her in a passionate affair. He pulled her onto his sotmache so she was lying on top of him… **Oh come on.** he sstaarted to get hard and he began to feel her up.

"COME ON GUYS theres no need for intercourse now," **Link is the voice of reason in this story.** said Link, "We need to go KTFDATBM (Kill That Faggot Dumbledore and that bitch Mystique)". He pulled them up by their collers **Link: like a boss.** and they ran off.

"GUYS I mustard up enough power to grant you all this spell…" sasuked said. He waved his ebony wand and everyone turnd to a little glower. "I feel so powerfull… more powerful than hen I combined with Edward!" **When you became the guitarist of a poser band?** said Hiei.

"Alright, guts… LETS DO THING THIS!" said Dally.

Meanwhile Edward was suffocating down the hallway when a blue woman and a bearded man stepped out before him.

"Y… YOU! Your the one who tried to RAPE ME you fuck!" said Edward and he pulled out his gun but Mystique held out her hat. "We're not going to finger you…" said Mystique, "You are an assert to our team actually… and you fucking hate Dally don't you?"

**Choose your response. Certain responses are locked until specific skills are leveled up.**

"**Yeah…" | **_**"No!" [Compassion: 92]**__**"Sort of, kind of, not really, maybe…" [Speech: 65]**_** | "No, I'm just a little pissed." [Speech: 2]**

…**I've been playing way too much Fallout and Skyrim.**

"I don't hate her im just a little pissed and blue balled right now," he explained.

"Shes never going to want you… shes only yusing you to be a whore," Mystique was playing with his notions **of right and wrong**, "And if you join us we wont rape you… but riteaid **Love that store.** now your out numberd so your best bet is to cum with us." **IN SYNCHRONIZATION**

"What will I do if I don't?!" Edward barked. **See? Totally a werewolf.**

"We'll kill you…" said Dumbledore with a smirk… and just like that Edward joined their ensemble.

**So… if Mystique and Dumbledore are like Jessie and James, does that mean Edwart is Meowth?**

**Fack.**

**Goodnight.**


	5. Chapter 5

**WELCOME TO**

'**THE WORST FANFICTION EVER'**

**A.K.A.**

**EVAN READS FACE THE STRANGE.**

**I have nothing to say.**

**Bold **is my comments.

Normal is Dally's Tara-ble fic (geddit like Tara Gilesbie cuz I'm goffick.)

'_**Bold Italic in single-quotes, dog!' **_is probably some dumb little skit I do or me mocking a character in the original story.

**Bold Underline: ** If you see this format it means I'm_ really pissed_. Think of it as Caps Lock +.

Dally, Sasuke, Hirei, Draco and Link found a mother note **Whoah sudden plot** it read:

"What is it about individuality  
that set us all at odds?  
If the stars fell like we have,  
what would ever be left?  
Silenced, unmade,  
like shadows we'd run out  
believing in ourselves and  
move nothing.  
Before they call me in,  
before they empty my eyes,  
I want to see what the dead see:

I want to be the song, the girl,  
and all." **Uhh, kay? (that's a fucking **_**Evanescence**_** song isn't it)**

"Wall what the cock does this men?" Heidi said and ripped the note up into pieces. **A proper reaction. Honestly, I expected someone to yell, "OMG ITS TH ERECTION PROPHECY EDWART WAT DOES IT MEEN."**

"Nook don't!" said Dally "well I goes its okay we can just look up and read it again…" **You can look it up? Like on Google? Yeah, I bet Mystique put it on her blog.** Dally and them all looked up and read the note from the story **Oh.**

**Goddamnit, the troll story thought outside the box more than me!**

(lol breaking the 3rd wall). **It's the **_**fourth**_** wall, ya dingus.**

"I still don't know what it means" sais Link… "Not evin my Kialegee in medicine **IS THAT EVEN CLOSE TO A THING?** can produce enough to elude to this memorabilia!" **Stop it.**

"We need to take this to a mote powerful wizad of all tiem…" said Sasuke, "Harry Potter…" **Can't argue with that.**

They rerunned back to Hogywarts by taking a patronis **You can't… ride a patronus. Wait, can you?** (Dally took a lion, Sasuke took a chimpansee, Hiei took a rollerbear, **VOLIBEAR IS OP, BAN VOLIBEAR! HE'S THE MOST OP DOUBLE-TOPPER EVER! AAHBBLBLBLBLB!** and Link took a horse.) that they cast through there wands. But they were being faulted… a shadows steered earily down their footpricks.

"I have em now," Bellatricks **LOL BECAUSE SHE'S TRICKSY EHEHEHEHEHHEH** said through a walkie-talkie to Dum. An dMyst. (abbreviated for faster). **If you're gonna abbreviate something, don't justify it!** "They are going back to Hogwarts … they are looking for… The Other Chosen One." **Well, you have a chosen two. That's a start.**

"It can't fucken be," said Dum., "If thay find out Shadow and Harry Poter are both Chosen Ones theyn they will combine them with fu sion ho and kill the fuck outta us…" **I like verbing adjective nouns.**

"I just have one cuestion," Bellatrix asked, "What do you want to do this four?"

"I cannot tell you until you level up Bella," **Fricking RPGs and their fricking grindquests!** Dumbledore exampled, "But you will after kill Harry… do not dashpot me dearest."

He blew her a kiss and she turned off. He almost lost the grape but found them cuz its like four people they kinda make a lot a noise… they got back on the boat to the great hall and saw Harry in his chess board playing with himself. **He does that.**

"Harry we need to ask you a favour." Said Dally…

"Listen I'm really busy I have OWLS to study for," he said tireslsy. **Hey hey hey! Harry's normal!**

"You don't need fucken owls," said Hiei pissily, "You fuckin have the sarserers stone which means you don't fukcen need it now hear us out okay?" **Yup. The Sorcerer's Stone is the same as Ravenclaw's Diadem.**

**Yup.**

"I Guess your right…" he sighed and stood up, **So far so good.** "But this better be good I don't have time to waste on you mudbloods." **Did Draco just momentarily possess him? That was totally Draco.**

"Listen Dumbledore is trying to rape people here," said Dally (she sued her feminine charms to while him over), "And now that hes teamed up with the most powerful wizard Myshtique its gonna be way worse… she can transferm into ANYTHING and so can I but shes gonna use his powers for bad."

"no FUCK YOU FUCKING WANKER TWAT," **HOLY CRAP YOU ALMOST GAVE ME A HEART ATTACK!** screamed Harry at the top of his tongue, "Dumbledore would NEVER DO THAT. He's my DAD" **Uhh… I think Harry's taking the term 'father figure' a little to literally.**

"Hes not your dad, Harry," said Hermione coming out from under him **Ignoring this.** and putting a hand on him, "James was your dad, he was murdered by Voldemort remember? Are you horcruxed?" _'__**Are y'all on crack?'**_

"Nigga FUCK no," **I can never, ever imagine Daniel Radcliffe saying that.** said Harry "Im sorry he never acts like this he must be fucked up maybe he's on acid," said Hermione. "Yeah Hermione and I have both been smoking some pots," said Ron, "But we didn't thank Harry would get into it or worse…" **This is fucking hilarious.**

**I'm not even kidding. They have the same dynamic but they're all drug addicts.**

"FUCK YOU ALL" said Harry and flew away on his Broomstick. _**'SCREW YOU GUIZ, I'M FLYIN' HOME'**_ "Oh god dammit Hermione," said Ron slapping her, "You fucking did it aging just like wane you confarted him about the needles…"

"The needles?" Dally asked, "What needles?"

"Harry has been using Haroine…" **Then why was Hermione confused about what he was on? Oh right, they're high…** Ron admittered… "A lot of people have now that DUmble dore is gone and look its just not a good time." **Since when was this story thoroughly depressing?**

They all walked away. "Were not ever gonna get that bloody Harry Pothead **HAHAHAH** to join us hestoo fucked up on drugs," said Link. "Well maybe we will, hes already a fuckin jewtwat **Jamie, I think Link is your soulmate.** maybe we can just fuck him up more to confince him hes on our side."

"How will we do that? we killed Snape remember? And his dick," **True dat.** said Sasuke.

"That's still hope though… we have… UMBRUDGE," said Link. "No she's dead your mormon," said Sasuke, "We need Lupin." "Okay!"

Dally and the buoys went up the green grass hip. The sun was basking shadowly on the vines and the home above was candles and. They knocked on the door **WHAT DOOR? THE TWILIGHT ZONE DOOR?** but did no one answered because there was a banging on inside.

"Whats goin the fuck on in there?" said Dally ceriously… they peeed in the window to see Lupins naked body on top of Tonks. Her pubes were pink and his cock was extronomos because hes part werewolf. **Makes sense.**He rammered it inside of the pussy and then licked it up…

"OMG we are watcheng them fuck," **Yeah thanks for that.** said Sasuke he was a lil hard cuz like watching porn?

"oh tonks oh tonks," said Lupin, "your pussy jucie tastes like juicy juice **I would have died of laughter if he had said Juicy Fruit. **," he said and lapped it up more. It was squirtling into his mouth like a super soaker clause he was good at gave blowjobs… then he got up and started giveng her the anals

"SASUKE WAT THE FUCK," Link said, he moved his hand now a lil and accieditaly touched Sasu's bonner. He punched him in the dick and was like "THATS FOR BEING A HOMO." **NICE SAVE, LINK! God, Link is such a badass.**

"GAYS," Dally shouted, "shut UP or they'll hear us…"

Suddenly Lupin cracked his egg towards the window… "What was that?" she sniffed. "omg do you thank someone is watchen us fuck?" Tonks said and put her nips back on. "Yes I do cuz I can smell the erection…" **The erection is strong in this one.**

He schot off down towards to the voordeur and tore it open to see students the group by him, he looked down for Sasuke's big bone and grred… "Fucking you kids paying attention to me and my bitch having sex?" **Is there even a right answer to that question?**

"Shit well this is not a good way to start off…" Dally said, "Sasuke you dombo put your pee hole away "

Sasuke tucked its penis into his boxers so that it had was well hidden and counted to tell so he became flassid again and the Lupin forgot about it because Werewolfs have short term memary loss. _**'I may have Alzheimer's, but at least I don't have Alzheimer's!'**_

"That's an aid," said Dally reliefed."Listen Lupin put some close on and we'll talk to ya in a sec…"

He went inside and put his Abercrombie t on and some khaki pants and took a fast shower since him and Nymphodora were neuken. "Okay whatchya want?"

"We need you to tell Harry that crack is whack **Dally is the best at PSA.** and he needs to kill Dumbledore…" Dally said in the long run. "Well shit that's a big grace to ask," said Lupin, "Why don't you aks Snape to kill him?"

"My friend Edwad killed him…and his dick " **You keep making those anime eyes. I don't like it.** said Dally sad, "But we're not friends any more."

"Hm well what in this for me is?" asked Lupin.

"Besides killing Dumbledore we gotta kill Mystique also and we believe soon as we do that's we its blood in a bath-tub are able remove and placing in small flasks." Dally manifested and showing some vials, "After drinking that fucking mut's blood we its powers might reach, and she has to the capacity no matter what become they wants." **Okay, stop talking. My IQ has gone down by ten just from reading the past three sentences.**

"Shit that's fucked up…" said Lupin, "So Dumbledore is a ass musketier?" **This story is **_**so**_** fucking awesome though. 10/10 would rage again.**

"Yes and he's ruining Hogwarts," said Dally she was so full of hate, "We sued to think he was a pretty cool dudes but now he's just a God forgotten fully used up dirty AIDS bin."

"That FUCKER, Lupin pounded his fist against a wall "I can't believe this… I was like best friends with that guy…"

"Well will you help us?" Dally adduced getting on herpes. **If you ignore everything but the dialogue, you can almost understand it!**

"Of course I will… I'll confort Harry about this soon."

They left Lupin's hotel and welked back to Hogwarts. "Well that was profit," said Dally. **Pretty much.**

„What were that you are saying no friends with Edward?" said Link connection happened.

"Its just we became into a fight," Dally said, "He has a feelings for me and I turned him down. Ithink he goes to the Dark Side….." Hiei grred. **Hiei has filled Edwart's niche of 'The Grrer.'**

"This can't is…" said Link, "Edward were an integer part of our team, without him we have paralyzed. Seriously." **Just eat a Pecha berry. God.**

"Just don't worry about it, gays…" said Dally, she started become annoyed.

They dropped shit. "So what do we do now?" asked Hiei. "We wait…" said Sasuke, "Meanwhile I have to go to my room to…. .study…" **Guy-language 101: If we go to our rooms to 'study' or 'work,' we're jacking off.** "By Sasuke!" said Dally.

"That masturbator!" said Link **Link knows.** and they all laughed and walked adaware…

Dally was glad that her and Draco, Sasuke and Hiei, Link were able to assist Lupin in helping them. But they had enough time now proceed because the Lupin made a plan to kill the fucking **I thought it was Kill-the-Faggot…?** Dubledore. They all hung out at their house (remind that they live in omhoog the old hut of Hagrid but fixed).

"Let's watch some Telly!" said Link reaching for the remoer control.

They tuned it on and the Special Olympics was on. **Oh god, I don't even want to go on. Time for a disclaimer.**

**I TAKE NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANY VIEWS THE AUTHOR OF THIS STORY EXPRESSES, NOR DO I SHARE THEM.**

**I PROLLY SHOULDA DONE THIS EARLIER.**

There was a boy/little girl tansvesite THING on the Telly and it had greasy barack hair and a butt chin and was ugly and clearly the most retarded of them all. It was flopping around like a crazy penis because it's the most retardedest and cant right write.

"Omg look at that big floppy donkey dick!" Sasuke laughed "What is its name?"

"And in last place is the fucking retard MATAIME!" said the Telly. **Dude, mister announcer, sorry to say but… Half the people in the Special Olympics are 'fucking retard[s]."**

"Omg Mataime isn't that that bitch from ?" **Aww, did wittle Dally's stowy get insulted?** Hiei said, "She alarms cosplays as me and she makes me look bad. She can go drink puke! She is a fucken smegma cone."

"Yes she is a cuntchild who has been throwed out of the utoris of a whore!" said Dally and they all spit on the Telly

"PATOOIE" "PATOOIE" "PATOOIE" they spit. **I think this is Dally's idea of cute filler.**

They all lauged at her expence and then stated comin down. "Ohhh well that was good fun but what the scrotum is Lupin doing? Its taken that wanker forever." **"What the scrotum." I'm totally springing that on Jamie.**

They all dediced to walk to is house and see wtf he was up to. Again he was fucking Tonks. "omg godsvloek… the o.k. for once and for all loose I this." Said Sasuke.

He barged on two of them those woopie and seized dick of Lupin and took off it pussy van Tonk and put in its boxers. "What the HELL man" said Sasuke "You said that you would make a plan to KTFD and all you're doing his getting this bitch pregnant."

"my tubes are tied" apparated Tonks. "oh okay… look anyway can you please?" Sasuked said.

"I already made the plans. I called Harry on the cell pone more hearlier to day and he said hed help … he'd to going to Dumbledore now." Tonks . **Why hasn't Lupin said anything yet?**

"Oh… ok… guess you guys can keep fuckeings now ….." they all laft awkerdly.

"Well this is deff good news," said Dally, "I think we should go home and check on my baby now. I know he can take care of himself but I think Prof Maconagle will call Child Protection Servises on my asshole." **If you're worried that will happen, it's never a good sigh.**

They went back to home and creacked open the doo and went in to see Shadow… but he was gone!

Dally purst into tears. "MY BAAAaABbbbAAAAYYYYYY!"

Hiei quit stepped in. "DIRTY ROTTEN HEMORHOID SUCKER!" he screamed, "WHO TOOK MY BABABAAYY!" **SUPER SAIYAN NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN E!**

"WEIGHT!" shouted Link, "Look… thers a note."

"hey sorry gays

I took Shadow. He is the chosen one and me too

Sow we have to KTFD together… it is the only way

I swear I will potion her.

-Love, Harry." **So, is he high or not?**

"whew well that's a relief," said Dally and her tears came dry. "Ropefully he will continue to write to us and let us no his profress."

"Hopefully…" said Hiei, "Listen Dally come into the bedroom with me…"

Dally and Hiei made love in celebration they found Shadow.

Meanwhile Edward watch wasing the scene from the crystal balls. "THAT FUCKEN WORN OUT WHORE," he screamed… he was hurt but could not stop watchin Hiei penetrate her…

"You see?" Mystique said putting her arm around him, "She us just an anormous whore."

"You need to kill all the whores in your life, Edward…" Dumbledore said, "You did a super jobs killing Bella… and now you kill DALLY." **"You need to kill all the whores in your life…"**

**I'm writing the script for it now. Starring Nicolas Cage as Edwart.**

"No…" said Mystique, secretly she cared what Dallly was alive but she didn't wasn't dong to say that, "It would hurt to moe if you killed the fucken baby."

"Yes… yes htat is what I will do. I will kill the baby! And then I will kill Hiei that blood shitting stomach dog…." Edward grred… "GOOD GOOD" said Dumbledore Denny's **WOULD YOU LIKE A GRAND SLAMWICH?**, "GET RILED UP. UNLEASH THE BREAST **Transexual transvestites from the planet Transylvania!** IN SIDE OF YOU!"

"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Harry and Shadow took flying horses to find Dumbledore and Mystique (no one know Edard was on the dark side) so they weren't looking for him. The horses cod only be seen if you saw a person die to Harry killed a Hufflepuff **I guess the Hufflepuff couldn't FIND a gun.** in fort of Shadow. "There no we can ride on ride on," said Harry as he put some boots on Shadow. " are you Ready to kill him?" Shadow nodded. His fangs were gumbing out of his mouth devilishly. **Weren't they always?**

Suddenly Shadow beggin to cry. "What the fuck?" Harry swore (the drugs still make him have a potty mouth") "Why the fuck are you cryen? Is it becaused I killed the hufflepuff? **Maybe?** I put his blood in baby bottles for you **Oh, that's why. I was kinda wondering…** so don't cry cuz you will be fed and you mom doesn't have to take out her boobs in front of the boys anymore…"

"No not that," abbreviated Shadow, "I am hungeee"

"oh.. ok" Hary have never been a father before so he didn't know how to take kids. He swapped the horses down to a local McDonald's and sacne they were on horses they could horses though the drive thru. "I will have a large fyi and chocolate shake and BABY here will have a whopper and a toy" "ok" said the emplotey handed them bags and the flew off… **That was probably the most inspiring, meaningful part of the story.**

Meanwhile Dally was at home. She was still on maternality leaf so she lingeried at home while the boys were at classes. She sighed sedatively and was lonely .. just then there was a knock at her door. She answered to see a very hott many with black hair and sideburns and vampirte teeth… it had been a while sence she saw another vampire cuz Edward was gone and Shadow was away ktfd.

"who are you…?" she asked she put on her sexy voice because he was a sexy man and deserved the sexy voice…

"my name is Bill Compton **Bill Compton? From **_**Fifty Shades of Compton**_**?! OMGEE!** I traveled here from Dallas, Texas" **Not from Compton, California? Son, I am disappoint.** he said. "Omg my name is Dallas!" **WHO NAMES THEIR KID DALLAS?** said Dally "but my friends call me Dally" she said "Well that is a vey pretty name." **Sure.** he bent over and kissed her hand and she blushed red as a wife beater. "oh my … well you are giving me the vibrators." Dally said shyly. "do you mind if I come in?" he asked. "oh… not at all."

He stepped in the door and was very close to her. She could feel the coldness radioing off him but it was kinda warm cuz she was colder cuz she hadn't been had sex in a while. Well maybe neither did he but she didn't know it just felt colder. "so you are the famous Dally Darkblood?" he asked stirring me in the eyes. "well I am not famous… but I am she." I replied. "But you are… I have come hee all the way from the USA to come for you… in vampire world you blood is a priced possession."

"What do you mean?" suddenly she began to get nervous and stepped a little back foam him. He steppd closer and put a hand on her hip and leaned in, "I would never hurt you… but I want you…" just then he kissed her passionately. She kissed back and let her lickitongue **STOP POKERMON** explore his mouth. They awesomely made out for a while before she recoiled.

"wait this is wrong" she said "I have a bf, bill… and you have a gf." **So… Dally's psychic now?** "god youre right I'm so sorry, I don't know what came on me." He sawed. "will you forgive me dally?" "only if you don't tell hiei…" she whispered. Just then the door open. "QUICK hide in the closets!"

Bill ran into a the pantry in the closet and dally ran out to the living room . "hiei you are home early from your classes…" she said faculty trying to whipe a little lipstick off. **Why was Mr. Compton wearing lipstick?** "I felt like something was wrong… where is Shadow?" hiei asked eyeballin her suspiciously "he left with harry remember?" heie began to sorting hat through the house… "so that's not it… but something is wrong… where is hagrid?" "he's DEAD hiei are you high?" **EHEHHEHEH GET IT CUZ HIEI AND HIGH RHYME** dally yelled. Hiei threw open the refridgerator… then the bathroom.

Dally began to get nervous… if hiei was high he was also gonna get violet and if he found Billy she would surely get the smackdown. He ripped open the pantry and dally prepared herself for the golems… but bill wasn't there.

"hm… okay I guess everything is fine after all… I don't know why I was freakin out so hart." He said and sat down. "Well lets go to bed honey…"

Mean while meanwhile harry and Shadow finished their mickey D's and were off to find Umbledore. they had switched there location to Chicago and were at a broadway musical (you know how faggots like broadway). **Believe me, I do, girlfriend!** The show as goin on and the actos were singing (it was Wicked) but Harry and Shadow inturrupted the show. "THAT'S IT FAGGOT WERE GONNA KTFD RIGHT NOW"

Hary at the risk of being expelled (he didn't cae he liked drugs) **I like Tylenol too. It's purple.** pointed his wang at Dumbledore and shouted "VENEREAL DISEASUS EXTRACTUS!" suddenly Dumbledore tore off his pants. "AHH IT BURSN IT FUCKENG BURNS HOLY HELL SHIT CHRIST" "Whats wrong Headmessiah!?" Mystique asked as the whole audience divided their attention to them "I HAVE PENIS BEETLES" **…You mean crabs?** he cried terring out the pubic hair. Edward stood up to with a crazed expension on his face and Harry saw him

"Oh my god…" he said, "EDWAQRD?!" **Harry never even met—**

**I don't even care.**

**Shitstain.**


	6. Chapter 6

**WELCOME TO**

'**THE WORST FANFICTION EVER'**

**A.K.A.**

**EVAN READS FACE THE STRANGE.**

**Apparently someone made a 'Reportable fics' C2, and I'm in it! I'm famous!**

**Bold **is my comments.

Normal is Dally's Tara-ble fic (geddit like Tara Gilesbie cuz I'm goffick.)

'_**Bold Italic in single-quotes, dog!' **_is probably some dumb little skit I do or me mocking a character in the original story.

**Bold Underline: ** If you see this format it means I'm_ really pissed_. Think of it as Caps Lock +.

**What have I done…**

**This is the rest of the story. 3.4k words uncommentated.**

**Kill me…**

Haryr and Shadow staired renownedly at the vampire beehive them. **Wait, where'd they come from?** Dumbledore was obeiously in grilling pain and would not even move because of this fact. **What's going on?** Edward saw them and became running. **He became running.**

**He **

**became**

**running**

He ran the theatre door and Hiei told to Shadow lube **LUBE RIDER, RIDIN' THE LUBE!** after him while he took care to Dumbleydore and Mystiue. Shadow began to chase after Ed but he was too fast like hed eaten golden nuggets.. **Are we referencing Pac-Man now? Is that really what we're doing?**

Ed took a sharp turn down the hallway buttaint get away, because, Ed, had, the powers endowed in him by his grandmower **…he and Dally are related? Crap, I could've made so many jokes about that.** Mystique and could turn into fucking anything so e turned into a crampon **A what? Tampon?** and charged at him. Ed flew into the wall and Shadow guffawed androgynously, but then Ed got up and swung a mighty kick at him and kicked Shadow kicked in the right in the face. Shadow's nose bleeded bulge he whipped it off his face **How to fix an injury: Simply take off the injured part!** and got right back into action… he turned into a rhino and horned him right in the butthole. **This is pretty entertaining.** Edward groaned in pangs, "Oh shit that feels like someone ripped open my ass and poured salt in the rim oh my god" **Nevermind, this is just hilarious.** he bent o ver and lays face first on the ground while Shadow kicked him (he is baby again, not rhino)

**J**ust then Hiei dragged out Dumbledore and Mystique all tied up like h**o**t pockets

**Hey,**

**Have any of you had the new Hot Pocket Hot Pocket?**

**It's a Hot Pocket inside a Hot Pocket.**

**Tastes just like a Hot Pocket…**

**That is to say, a pile of diarrhea, wrapped in greasy, stale dough, and cooked inside a dirty microwave. X2. **

and threw Shaodow some ropes too saying:

"Tie these brot**h**erfuckers up" Hiei said and helped him out a little. Edwad looked a little like he had a cameltoe in his pants and they laughed hahaha. _**'It was a really funny movie so she laughed hahaha.'**_

Mea**n**while Dally, Sasuke, and Draco were sitti**n**g around watching tv and eating new Wend**y**s **Sponsor!** bbq chicken (honey bbq) **Was that really necessary?** when the door bust all over their faces open **Oh shit, someone get a doctor!** and Hiei and Shadow walked in with them in body bags.

"OH MY GOD that rinks of corpses or skunks or something, herk!" said Dally covering her nose and then pullin up her shirt be**c**ause her boobs were hanging out a little. **Was **_**that**_** really necessary?** "Unzip it and sh**o**w us whats in that coo"

Hiei s**m**iled like he was king of the wartortl**e HOW DO YOU MISSPELL 'WORLD' AS A POKEMON?!** and unzipped the bag, revealing the faces of their enemies distorted into frowns like theyd just got their asses whooped and handed to them. **Well, they did…**

"Oh my god you real**l**y did it…" Dally gaped, "You really—"

"WERE NOT DE**A**D YOU CUNTSLUT" Dumbledore wadded, "Get me out of here I am the HEAD **MEHEHEH I GET IT **_**HEAD**_** MASTER MEHEHEH** MASTER of this FUCKING SCHOOL"

"No, professor I'm afraid your days here have ended.." Harry cuckoled, "We are going to make a room just for you and your fiends to s**t**arve to d**e**ath like you tortured me and my pals" **'My pals.'**

'**My**

**pals.'**

**PALS**

**PPPPAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLSSSSSS SSSSSSSS**

"But wait… we only wanted to kil**l** the faggot Dumbledore and my mum, **WHY IS EVERYONE RELATED TO DALLY?** who is in the third bag?" Sasuke asked probingly.

Edward slowly unzipped the bag to reveal the face of Edward fuckin Cullen. **TIME PARADO%&!*#(!#*(** "OMG Hiei you faggot why did you put Edward in a bag? We've been looking for him everywhere but not in the bag!" **Oh my god Dally is the definition of bimbo…**

"No Dals you don't understood…" Harr**y** said, "Edward is our enemy now, he joined hteir evil side…"

".. Edward is this true? Why would you do this?" Dallstarted to tear herself up… **I'M SORRY DALLY PLEASE STOP MAIMING YOURSELF** it was like such a jigaboo **…what?** that he would ho on her like that…

"You chose this dumbass over me" Edward grred, "You could have had better, like me.. I have a chevy **INTERIOR CROCODILE ALLIGATOR, I DRIVE A CHEVROLET MOVIE THEATER **with a butterfly door **The sad part is, that will probably convince Dally. **, Dally and I you could have whatever you like"

"But I just couldn't be with you Edward" she said this because she was 90% in love with Hiei and only 10$ in love with Edward. **$10 in love wi— WHAT DOES THAT EVEN—**

"And that's why I'm gonna KILL YOU" and then he reached his powerful guido hands out of the bag and started to advert attack her with his hands, but Sasuke came out of the blue and beat him on the head with a wooden spatula **Holy crap Sasuke marry me** (no suggestion…) He was knocked out uncuntscious.

They dragged the body bags into a room they built that yesternight and then had a party and Dally made out with Hiei and Harry tried to kiss her but… **But…?**

…**?**

**Okay…**

Dally's patty carried on through the night so lets get this all straightened out: it's Sasuke, dally, hiei, harry, link and dally are all at this party and Dally is still dating Hiei but she almost made out with Harry cuz she was a little drunk off of Tila Tequila (as am Harry). **Stop talking.**

Dally was shitting on Harry's lap **That'll allay any romantic advances!** and he was on myspace but Dally idealed Facebook so she logged in and updated her status with "ths thinq called - - is qettinq kinda heavyy. but,, i qotta stickk it out `&+ deal withh it as itss thrown at me. qoinq to bed withh too muchh on myy mind. [textt]; me. q`Niqht,, myyLovess! | -D- |" **Holy fack, she's even more incoherent when she's typing about people typing! They stack!**

"Wait youre going to sleep already?" harry asked ass he snuck a book over his big dick to hide his huge boner, **We've got a genius over here.** "but don't we have to feed Edwad and the rest?" **Weren't you the one that suggested that you starve them to death?** "Look you poptart" **I'm springing that one on Jamie too. Thanks Dal-Dal 3 ** Dally coerced drunkenly and slovenly, she had been shrugging off his lap like a retarded sloth on ecstasty, **I laughed so hard. I think I popped my lung.** "I'm sooo sick of this high school drama man I'm out of here!" **ME TOO THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ENDING IT** and she ran off. Harry had a look on his facism like he'd been boiled in hot grease… **Okay, too many Nazi euphemisms.**

"Dude man what just happened?" Link came oever, her had just smoked some cannabals and was really really high, **For some reason I imagined Link as more of a cocaine guy.**

…**I need help…**

"Did you just get turend down by the hottest chick in the school?" **When was the last time you guys even went to school?**

"Yeah she is the hottest chick in the scool that's for sure," said Harry, "but nah I think we should go feed them dudes in the body bags though"  
"Why? They're faggots," **True dat** said Link and then threw up all over Harry "Shit man sorry" **LOL**  
**Harry just moves on like nothing happened… **Harry knew however that it was the moral and right thing to do to feed them so he avoided fatality **FATALITY** and to get them food. He entered the door slowly liekeke someone with downs syndrome would because they kind a have disformed hands and saw the body bags on the floor. **Ignoring this**

"Dude feed us bro and maybe score me some LSD" said Dumbledore. Faggots are also huge pill poppers and so dumbledore's weiner is probably the size of Cuba (which is really small..) **OI! My best friend is from Cuba! And it's a friggin' dump, let me tell you…**

"Nah we don't give you drugs it'll probably make you a stronger mizard," **Yep, hallucogenic drugs increase your magic power. Makes sense. ** said Harry, his boner went away cuz none of them were hott except Edward kind of gave him a chubby, **Robert Pattinson gives everyone a chubby, ignore it.** "but I will get you some food because I was brought up Jewish and that's how we do" **Something seems wrong about that sentence…**

"No you weren't you little white bitch" said Dumbledore, he was kind of offended because he actually was bratwurst up Jewish "You was livin in the closet like a puss". **Dumbledore, that was **_**your**_** fault, actually.** This made harry tear up but he just zipped up DUmbledores bag so he couldn't see his face turn into a radish and cry like onions. "Okay whatever but I want a tribe to belong to ok? The point is I will bring you food, what do you want?" **He's letting them **_**order**_**?! Isn't this the Harry who called everyone a re-nigg and flew away on his broom laughing maniacally?**  
Edward said "Huhhh I want a um … buffalo wild wings from bdubs"  
"Oh yeah that sounds good" said mystique "or some cheddar roles"  
"Fuck you I'm not buyin that shit, you can only eat what's in Hogwarts and the house elves will make it," **LOL, nevermind.** said Harry gettin his diva on like Beyonce (for anoyne who is not American that is the term afro when you have an attitude or are being assertaive) **I think we could figure it out by context, thanks.**

Well the body bag victims did not want to comply so Harry beat the house elfs until they make the wings. **That's not how you do it, all you have to do is ask. Is Dally a closet SPEW spokesperson?** Dobby was sad but he had no socks so he had to do it…  
"Actually do you know what I would Rallys like to eat?" said Dumbledore as Harry Potter came back with the food, "I phoenix would be so scrumptaints" **Oooh shiiit…**  
"Ok" **YOU IDIOT**

Harry returned with the phoenix and left it on a plate in the middle of the room for the people to eat with their mouths like without hands all slumped ofer.

Harry left but he's so fuckin retarded cuz Dumbledore clasped his hands on the phoenix and just bamfed away… **Saw that one coming.**

Later on It was a new school year and Delly and Edward were still plowing strong, this time Dally was pregnant. **Oh come on!** Again. **IKR?** But unlike laser time they didn't know who the farter was. They decided to go to the wizard virgin of Jerry Springer called Maury to sea who the dad was **Ignoring that entire last sentence is good for your health.**

First Dally had to butter her brain to figures who she had effed lately who could of got her prego. **And that one.** Dally is a junior at Hogwats now but everyone else (hiei, Edward, link, etc) are only Softmores. **I don't think that's how it works. **Dally also got erected to Prefict becaust she got the faggot Dumbledore to have STDs **That's not how it works either… Wait, does this mean Minnie is headmaster now? FUCK YEAH!** (nursewhiches cant cure that)

That's when she relish that Maruy **Where are we? Who is Maury? What is the meaning of life?** was looking at her

"So Dally… who did you eff?"

Before her was her dreamcast: **Stop ruining my childhood!** edwert, hiei, link, saskuke, and shadow. And BILL COMPTOM **FROM FIFTY SHADES OF COMPTON?!** "you must think long and hard… like my dick" said Edward then laughed then stopped cause it wasn't funny **Yeah, I do that too.** because actually dally probably effed everyone and was loose as a bag. **Pretty much.**

"If you need help remembering I can get you a stool sample," offered Maury the wizard

"I think you mean spool" said Hiei confused "your shit wont help her now, **That's exactly what a stool sample is. The doctor throws shit in the patient's face. Very astute of you.** she's pregnant."

So Maury brought out a pool and she went swimming and in it was magicarp wizard water that Tiggered her memory, suddenly a flood of rememberies washed over her. **…what?**

Flashback 1:

It was a hot summer day and suddenly a hott figure as hot as the hot summer day knocked on her door. It was Bill Compton the vamp. He introducked himself and in chapter 15 it said they didn't do anything but now the humpback was revealing a lot…

He didn't just introduce himself, in her vision Bill Compton bashed her head grains a wall until she had a concoction then raped her. **Oh come on Mr. Compton, she would've gladly banged you. You're hunkier than Ezreal.**

(end of flashback 1)

"I was wrapped!" **In duct tape!** Dally exclaimed in wonder.

"WHAT" Edward got pissed fast "Was it fucking Dumbledore?"

"No… I'm not a boy so he doesn't want my poonbox he only wants anal" Dally explained with reason.

Just then Gucci **WHO ARE YOU?!** interrupted in a v-neck and poured some lemonade.

"Anyway it was .. it was … BILL" she started tearing up as she cried and pointed at him. Maury got a boner. **Necessary? I think not.**

Flashback 2:

Even with her head a little fuzzy Dally knew what was happening. In her head she couldn't stop thinking that Bill was really hott but none of that mattered because of the earth-quaking pains she was feeling from where he hit her head, next thing she knew six of his fingers were inserted in her, she mooened. He started fangering her then pulled out his big vamp cock. It was huge about six inches wide and six inches long, **He has a square dick?** and he stuffed it inside of her, then started banging her.

Dally was so embearassed and didn't know how to make him stop raping her, she raked her brain for ideas, then she hard on. With a mighty pump she queefed all over his dick. Enraged and levers, he donkey punched her right in the juggerlar… that's when she blanked out… **Mr. Compton is st8 pimpin. NOW PISTOL-WHIP HER TO DEATH!**

(end flashback)

"Yes it certainly seems like Bill could be the father, " said Obama, **WHY IS THE PRESIDENT THERE? WHERE ARE THEY?** "did you use a condom?" **Courteous rapist: uses a condom.**

"No it was raw" said Bill coolly, "but she wanted it she was pretty much begging for it, let me get in the pool and I'll show you"

So Bill Compton stepped in the pool on the Maury Wizard Show **THE'RE ON A REALITY SHOW? AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH** and showed his flashback…

Flashback 1:

Bill was going door too door as a Jehova Witness _**'Shh, they're right outside! No, don't move the curtains! Maybe they'll go away…'**_ trying to tell people they cant have birthdays **That's a pretty good summary.** and he got to Dally's hospital. He didn't know her but she orgyd the door and he thought she was really hott. From the way she was undressing him with her eyes he knew she thaught she was hott too. But all he said was "hi I'm bill" **BIIIUHL!** and from there he knew she wanted him because she started bashing his head again a wall to rape him. **Okay, if you're gonna lie while on trial, don't copy the other person's story.**

It Diddy Kong **OH COME ON REALLY?** work though because vampz don't get hurt about that, so she went and started slapping him in the nuts with garlic clovers. It burned like a thousand jellies on rye.

That's when she mounted him, in unicorns. **My brain…**

(end flashback)

"Well it seems like we have two vary different sides to the srory," ***snrk*** said Maury, "We will lean ham the father after a commie break!"

Add your main content Dally waited anciously for the show to return, it was the longest break she had ever had to had taken for a show. She wanted to kill all commercials she was so mad about it but finally the lights dimmered down and it was baonoocccccccccccc. **Are you having a stroke again? Silly Dally…**

But htat was the last thing she horse before it all went black. Next thing she knew she was in the lettuce on Maury no longer with the limelight on her. Instead she was replace by a girl who got 600 people who banged her **SNOOKI?!** (it was TwitardAssassinLuigiLargo fukin stupid b****) **Adorable. You censored 'bitch' as opposed to everything else you said in this story.** whore! When the bitch kyke went on stage fucking everyone spat on her (remember she wrote a mean letter to me) **No, I don't. I'm not you.**

Just in that moment Dallas thought about it and she would never gonna find out who was her baby daddy. Was it bill? Was it Edward? Was it Jacob? **Since when was Jacob in the story?** Who knew? She was going to have to wait until the baby was born. And htats exactly what she didn't. 9 mths later (which means it wasn't a vamp cause vamp babies take a lot less times, put on ur csi detective hat) **Okay, sorry, forgot to put it on.** she gave borth to a beautiful baby girl. This one she named Shadette becuz she was Shadows twin. **That's not how it works.**

She looked at shadettes fecures. Shadette had red eyes, so it could be either bills or Edwards **ERMERGERSH EDWART HAZ TOOPAZ EIYS U POPTART** or hieis. Shadette had black hair,s o again it ould be anyways, even hiei's. **But Link doesn't have black hair…** shadette had nails that were long, and full lips like the moon, so it was obvioiusly bill's. **Then why state all the other features? Nyeeeeeehhhh!**

At that moment she sent bill a subpoena. Bill checked the mail and a man was at the door he was wearing a long white koalt, with buttons, a tie and his hair was partied, and he said "bill you are being served at the district federal court of Hogwarts, you have a dawughter and her name is shadette and so you have to pay child support on that you fucking asshole" bill was like "wtf?" **Yeah pretty much.** he the next day he dressed up in his Sunday's vest. And went to the court house. Before him was Cyclops from the x-men (the judge). **WHY? JUST WHY? AND OF ALL THE X-MEN, WHY CYCLOPS? HE'S USELESS!**

"okay bill, what do you gotta say about that?" said Cyclops slapping him with the hard hand of the law.

"shaddette isn't my kid! Look shes a girl she cant be mine!" **…yeah, that's how it FUCK HOW DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?** bill argued like a vent.

"well that's your problem, fuck you" said Cyclops and now he has child support. ***poof***

Dally got a lot of money from bill because vamps are rich$$$$$$ **Lulz.** so she baught a mansion outside of Hogwarts wild she went to school, except professor jack skeleton said she had to still be a part of Ravenclaw, **Again, why is she is Ravenclaw?** like just cuz she had her own house doesn't mean she gets her owl HOSUE!

Still dally had a crush on bill. So she invited him over to the mansion for tea and had hiei and Edward babysit Shadow and Shadette, they had the house to themshelves. Dally wore her hottest laundry and a hot teddy. **It's a teddy bear with implants.** Bill just wore whatever cuz hes hott all the time anyway (so is dally but hotter now)

One thing led to another and they hooked up at least 10 times that night. **Dally never learns…** Bill is a vamp so he doesn't sleep and dally just wasent tired, and you could here them moaning all the way from outside.

Meanwhile Edward and hiei were watching shadow and shadette when they heard the mourning.

"omg, you think dallys in trouble?" **You guys are IDIOTS… **hiei asked concerned as he put the babys bark in the crib.

"yes we should hurry" so they ran out of the house to the scene of the rime. They tried to knock on the door yelling to her but she didn't replie, so they tried to bang it down but they didn't replie to that either. Finally they got it thru the window. The house was dark it was big so it took them a long time to navalgate through the hallways but then they smelled something fowl. _**Spermozoa comptonius?**_

Edward bust into the room just in time to see Ball sink his fangs deep into her **Oh crap, he likes it kinky.** and the blood began to poor out in pools like a cesspool. "NOOOOOOOOO!" he jumped on top of bill and batteled him, hiei joined

"STOP" yelled Dolly, pullin the sheets over her bare and bloody beef, she was sooo embaressed. **Hey Dally, your life is kinda all over the floor, now is not really the time to be embarrassed.** Bill started biting everhyone then and it didn't matter if he got ed but he got hiei. Suddenly hiei and dally both began convulving on the floor, spazzing out and rabiesing out of the mouth. It was obveious… they were turning into vampores. **Oh, I thought they were turning into vamp**_**i**_**res. Sorry.**

Now everyone is - text, photos, videos, addons, whatever you want! **What?**

**No**

**What?**

**Text, photos, vide— WHAT THE FUCK**

Meanwhile, while the hoggwarters were having their own drama, dumble dore and mystique were having their own drama.

"It seems there is a new variable in the equation," said Dumbledore with math, "Dally is popping out babies like the west nile virus!" **LOL**

"That fucking daughter o' mine," screamed Mystique, "Yarr she just makes me so mad." **Mystique is now a pirate. And I thought this story couldn't get any better.**

"you see, my dear, you know what this means?" Asked Albus.

"no."

"It means you have to give your powers to both Shadow AND Shadette and it will weakin us together, sending our mechanical plan to foilure!" asked Dumbledore.

"Fucking jesus Christ, you're right," **Best villains ever.** Mystique noted, "There has to be an exception…"

"Well you don't have to give htem teh powers until their adderolescents, so if we KILL THEM before they level up, **LEVEL UP! +20 HP, +2 GUTS, +10 PP, +5 DMG** we can have all teh powers to ourselves…"

"BHWAHAHAHAHA!" laughed the two of them. **Best. Villians. Ever.**

This way where were Dumbledore and Mystique? Well you let me tell to readers it within a bunch outlying of wear Hogwarts only strongest and most savage of the wizards is possible travel deeply is. It is in Japan where there many willow trees and squirrels and dragon bush are. **DRAGON BUSH: THE BUSH THAT EATS PEOPLE. Coming soon to A CHEVROLET MOVIE THEATRE near you.**

But Mystique and Dumbledork were not alone. A young guy with long red hair and a scar across his eye was liseening in, he was the batoseye and wore a robe thing. His name was Ruroni Kenshin. **Not gonna google it, not gonna google it, not gonna google it…**

**Okay, good, it's just a samurai manga. Sorry, Hiei kinda set the bar high.**

**GET IT**

**HIEI HIGH**

**HOOOOOOOOOOOT POCKETSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS**

Kenshin graduated from Hogwarts a couple yards before in '090 **…1090 C.E.?** and so he knew shit was going down. He pulled out his cell and txted an old friend and word spread like rapid herpes.

Back in England Hie was in the hospital wing. Dally sat caringly by his side holdeing his hand.

"is he going to die?" she asked the nurse.

"no… but he is infected. He has 24 hours for someone to find the syrum to cure his vampire or else he will turn." **So? Edwart is a vampore and he's a nice guy. Well, aside from the grring and abusive tendencies. **She replied, then looked down at her phone. "oh my god….. "

"What? What is it? YOU TELL ME RIGHT FUCKING NOW" said Dally busting into tears. She was conserned by the look of concern on the nurses face. **I was angered by the man's look of anger.**

"I must go talk to Professor Jack, something has happen." She said and stormed out.

Link and Sasuke abread just then. "What's up with her?" asked Link.

"I don't know but I don't like it…. Hey, you can disepear right, Link?" **No, he can't.** Dally.

"yes I have that power" he replied. **No, you don't! All you can do is step into a barrel and become undetectable!**

"go spy on her!"

So link turned into invicible **Well, yes, you **_**can**_** go invincible…** and wet down the hallway to wear the nurse was. she was talking isothermally on the phone and he overherd…

Nurse: "yes professor, I know that it is true…. I got a text, that's how. The headmastur has teamed up with villain Mystique and they are in a Japanes forest now, planning on… yes.. it's horrible. Bye".

Sasuke **Okay, Sasuke can do that… THIS WOULD BE A LOT EASIER IF YOU USED THE RIGHT NAMES!** returned and told them what happened.

"What?" dally apposed, "so theyre in the japonese forest?"

Just hten the nurse walked in. "Oh… so you overheard my converse."

"Listen up cunt we need to kill that faggot Dumbledore NOW" said Dally.

"Well you better hurry cuz the text says theyre leaving in 24 hours for a new destination and no one knows where it is." The nurse grred. **I do!**

Dally looked at hiei. He looked so pale and farmished, and so sad. He groaned in Argonauts. **No.** She had 24 hours to find the adidote… but 24 hours to KTFD*… **What if I told you… Dumbledore IS the antidote!**

What will dally do? Will she save hei but let Dumbledee and Mystique get away, or will she let Hiei turn into a vampire but save the world form certain pearl? Find out next time in FTS! **THERE WON'T BE A NEXT TIME.**

*KTFD = killing the faggot dumbledore

**I did it! I got through the story while only losing 5 brain cells a minute! I'm gonna go stick my head in a microwave.**


End file.
